The Top

Hi all, this is the OP. Obviously, he's my ex, even though he doesn't seem to realize it yet to judge by the texts and phone calls. To give a little more background, we'd been together for almost three years. We were talking about moving in together (but not getting married, I've seen too many of my friends get divorced already). To really prove that the universe hates me, he and I were still using condoms, because I am that freaked out about pregnancy and I can't take hormonal BC. This is the first time ever I've had one break. I'm sure I'm going to catch a lot of flak for this, but I have scheduled an abortion for the end of this week. It's not a human or a potential one to me, it's just a burden and reminder that former relationship was based on a big fat lie. Plus, being pregnant makes me even more anxious than the thought of being pregnant ever did, and I was full-on tokophobic before. Every time I think about having my body being overtaken by some disgusting little alien creature, my heart starts pounding and I get dizzy. I don't know how many times I've thrown up on cue just thinking about it, and it's not from morning sickness. I also really, really, really dislike babies, contrary to my ex's assumptions. I had one shoved at me when I was a teenager, and I nearly dropped it because everything about it terrified me. I don't think it's a good idea to just hope that those maternal hormones kick in and make me suddenly like kids when I haven't since as long as I can remember. So...no congratulations needed, and no pro-life or pro-adoption rants, either. If you'd find it in your heart to suck it up and make the best of this situation, good for you. The best situation for me is to put everything about this horrible experience behind me as soon as possible.

First of all, I am 19. I don't have my license because I have nobody at home who will take me driving. My dad works 3 jobs and my mom doesn't want me to leave and move out. Secondly, my 6 dates are between 2 guys. For the first guy, we'd set a date, he wouldn't show, and then we'd chat and THEN he'd give me some excuse. After 2 missed dates I let 2 months go by and we'd try again. For the second guy, he had legit excuses for missing and understandably explained them to me later. He at least apologized for missing. But still, 6 dates planned this summer and not one of them happened and I was completely in the dark when it came time for them to show up. I take full blame for allowing myself to think that maybe they'd show next time. When trapped at home, any chance to get out is reason for hope, even if its with a jerk. I'm also sorry to disappoint some of you, but I'm neither a HO nor a ****. I'm just a very foolish, lonely person.