The Top

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By subtweetqueen - 09/09/2016 04:18 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 548

You deserved it 1 242

By Heidi Jeanette - 14/11/2017 01:30

Today, I learned that my insatiable appetite and sex drive is because I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm married to a woman. We had a threesome one drunken night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 887

You deserved it 4 956

By kqwarrior - 27/06/2016 03:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at the airport with a cast on my leg, I fell backwards onto my suitcase. My family was too busy to notice my squirming as I tried to get up, so a kind woman awkwardly helped me off the ground. Later on, I found out my dad saw me but thought someone would help me "soon enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 785

You deserved it 955

Single shot

By irulan - 14/01/2020 03:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I farted so loudly in bed and I woke up my husband. Startled, he thought that someone was entered in our room and fired a shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 569

You deserved it 612

And you did it at my birthday dinner

By Anonymous - 12/04/2018 15:00

Today, after eleven years together, including eight years of engagement and three and a half months of marriage, I found out he had sex with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday. He's now leaving me and our kids to be with her, because she's his "soul mate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 626

You deserved it 474

By meish - 05/06/2016 13:16 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 531

You deserved it 988

By Tall Oaf - 14/07/2018 01:30

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 297

You deserved it 313

By wowza - 31/01/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, a boy I'm not even dating took it upon himself to tell me that we would never work out. Via text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 519

You deserved it 2 509

By filipkm - 28/04/2016 22:04 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I learned that you should always check the inside of your guitar to avoid a snake bite. Nope, strings don't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 630

You deserved it 848

Cosplay? COSPLAY??

By Shoryugeki III - 07/08/2018 14:30

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 787

You deserved it 236

By thesporkhop - 25/01/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I was going to end a thing I had with this guy. It turned out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and was just using me as a back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 117

You deserved it 4 118

Trust

By Anonymous - 31/03/2016 23:43 - United Kingdom - Broseley

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 798

You deserved it 1 564

By Anonymous - 01/01/2009 18:21 - France

Today, my boss got a promotion and I got laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 978

You deserved it 2 219

Social parasite #7887889098

By Good tenant - 04/05/2019 00:00 - United Kingdom - Consett

Today, my landlord increase my rent because of the "increased value of the flat". Why has the value increased? Because I decorated and replaced the broken fixtures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 490

You deserved it 187

Salad days

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I saw a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then put it back on the shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 425

You deserved it 835

Who's a good boy? Not you.

By Anonymous - 22/02/2017 04:00 - United States - Newark

Today, while walking my dog in a cemetery, she stole a stuffed animal off a child's grave and began to play with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 700

You deserved it 3 441

By Justanotherwreck - 20/04/2019 16:00

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 688

You deserved it 4 210

Smells like…

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 755

You deserved it 2 613

By KayKay - 23/09/2016 06:33 - United States - Ware

Today, my brother called me up. He said he needed to talk to me. Whenever someone says that, I naturally I get nervous. He said, "I gave one of my friends your number." I was shocked and asked why. "Your life makes me sad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 425

You deserved it 1 386

By Anonymous - 15/09/2016 00:35 - United States - Nottingham

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I was afraid that one of their many cats would pee on me. I was peed on all right, by my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 183

You deserved it 816

By lonely-mind - 04/09/2017 16:00

Today, in Tennessee, it stormed like crazy due to Hurricane Harvey. I brought my boyfriend home safely to his parents' house, but it rained harder once we arrived, so I started to wait inside. He's an adult but has a curfew, so they kicked me back out into the storm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 900

You deserved it 401

By Anonymous - 14/08/2016 06:16 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 376

You deserved it 1 847

By Anonymous - 23/01/2018 15:00

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 623

You deserved it 577

Lucky

By mislabelled mother - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 993

You deserved it 6 266

By Anonymous - 18/04/2018 15:00

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 289

You deserved it 1 404

By Biggest Jerk - 14/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 827

You deserved it 38 541

By Why Charlie!? WHY!? - 09/08/2018 13:00

Today, I woke up to see my neighbor's 5-year-old daughter next to me. She said good morning and handed me a note from her dad saying that I owe him and he's cashing in. So, I'm babysitting as her parents escape to the Bahamas for two weeks. My annual two week vacation starts today too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 576

You deserved it 401

By Old? - 14/01/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 748

You deserved it 2 272

By kill me - 30/09/2018 03:00

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 951

You deserved it 2 452

Frustration level: 2000

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 05:01

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 156

You deserved it 386

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The Top

Today, at my job in a pub, I was cleaning the pub garden ready for closedown. There was a girl crouched on the floor under a table. By the time I'd realised what she was doing and turned around, she'd already finished, apologised, and left me to clean up her piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 487

You deserved it 671

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 850

You deserved it 20 077

Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 133

You deserved it 3 845

Today, my doctor put me on some extra strength antibiotics for an infection. On the label it says "WARNING: may cause Diarrhea"... 'may cause' is a funny term... this is the second time I've sharted in my pants today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 525

You deserved it 3 877

Today, the girl I've been dating asked me to describe her body. I said "Thin an toned but curvy in all the right places." I then asked her the same question to which she replied, "I don't know, you know I'm always drunk when we're together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 497

You deserved it 4 631

Problem Solving 101

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 110