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By Anonymous - 11/02/2014 19:10 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I discovered that when one of my toddlers throws up, the other sympathy-pukes too, and that this continues until they're both empty. I guess my car is going to stink of vomit for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 418

You deserved it 3 713

Nice try

By Timeless - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said, "You should know already." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 390

You deserved it 56 619

By screewit - 20/02/2009 23:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 816

You deserved it 4 978

By Vitriol - 15/01/2012 18:14 - France

Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She'd confused me with her clock-radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 643

You deserved it 3 774

hero93 tells us more.

hero93 6

Monday 16 January 2012 4:53

it took me 10 minutes to understand what OP was trying to say. and then when I understood I was like why is this on here ?

Nice seeing you

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Houston

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 635

You deserved it 1 820

By SaucierGirl - 12/08/2018 03:30

Today, I was told that since I've had only three or four periods since 2013, there's 60 periods worth of blood clotted in my uterus. They gave me medicine to make it all come out in one week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 219

You deserved it 317

Wrong target

By footinmouth - 21/01/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was hitting on a girl who was getting ready to walk into the same class as me. We were waiting outside the room, so I told her that I'd heard the professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down at a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 925

You deserved it 38 906

By Anonymous - 21/01/2011 00:10 - United States

Today, I called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application. Turns out they "never received" copies of my transcripts. They did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 095

You deserved it 2 507

By X-men - 16/04/2015 02:24 - Honduras

Today, I’m a French teacher abroad, and as my beard has a huge hole near my chin, my students call me Wolverine. At every lesson, they wait for me with pens stuck between their fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 588

You deserved it 127

By Googlebug - 01/11/2010 10:15 - United States

Today, my dad, who lives hours away, called and told me he was getting married. Today. As in this evening. Guess I'm not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 230

You deserved it 2 545

Slackers

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 21:36 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss told me that people from work have been complaining about me. Apparently, I'm not doing part of their jobs for them, and the other manager sometimes does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 123

You deserved it 1 525

By Anonymous - 20/01/2016 15:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 228

You deserved it 1 342

Flirtatious bubble

By BoogieCandy. - 23/10/2009 08:56 - Canada

Today, at work, I was standing at the till helping an attractive man. I have a cold and could feel the snot bubbling up. He orders and we flirt for a bit. Just as I'm about to hand him his product, I sneeze quite loudly and forcefully all over his face. Guess I won't be getting that number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 448

You deserved it 8 596

Damn you, Siri

By Anonymous - 02/09/2017 06:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, when I was done masturbating to the thought of my crush I noticed my phone was lit up. I turned it over and stared in horror as I saw a call connected to him. I had been loudly moaning his name. I guess I hit his speed dial when I was setting my phone down. He was definitely still on the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 057

You deserved it 4 194

By buxton1 - 18/02/2013 08:24 - United States - Ramona

Spicy

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 674

You deserved it 3 382

By Anonymous - 19/02/2012 08:25 - Australia

Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 080

You deserved it 23 712

By Anonymous - 16/03/2016 01:19 - Canada - Canal Flats

Today, a little girl locked all the stalls in the girls' bathroom where I work and crawled under the doors. I then had to crawl around on the bathroom floor in order to unlock the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 435

You deserved it 1 282

I hate this time of year

By MegaZeo - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Livermore

Today, I could not decide what was sadder: the fact that I have to work on New Year's Eve, or that fact that working on New Year's Eve is still the most exciting thing I've ever done for New Year's Eve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 256

You deserved it 3 432

Hey guys, check this out

By Sonic - 15/01/2010 16:50 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 455

You deserved it 30 951

By shugette212 - 05/12/2014 01:56 - United States

Today, I found the Christmas candy that I'd hidden a year ago. Turns out I wasn't the only living creature who had found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 134

You deserved it 7 712

By Anonymous - 22/07/2013 18:30 - Denmark - Lemvig

Today, I've been bedridden for the past two weeks. My boyfriend casually remarked that he understands now why some people cheat on their seriously-ill partners. Thanks for adding to the stress, sweetie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 190

You deserved it 3 410

By xmelissadavisx - 28/11/2015 12:21

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train looked like he was about to be sick. I quickly handed him the nearest bag I could find, a bag full of my lunch for that day. Safe to say he held nothing back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 594

You deserved it 3 557

By bill - 28/11/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, I received a $500 fine for an "unruly" dog. I don't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 864

You deserved it 2 363

By meh - 31/10/2016 15:43

Today, at work, a guy tried to buy me for a dollar. I've only been there a week and it's the third time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 375

You deserved it 744

By Anonymous - 03/08/2015 03:25 - United States - Waterford

Today, my friend offered to make me a playlist for the gym. I thought it was really thoughtful, until I started listening to it during my workout and realized that every single song was "Supersize Me" with the title changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 044

You deserved it 2 245

By Anonymous - 04/08/2016 21:25

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 002

You deserved it 15 638

By sadCowboysfan - 26/01/2018 06:00 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I moved into my new place. My boyfriend and I were breaking in my new couch when, right as I was about to cum, the door unlocked and my parents and siblings walked in. They now know I’m gay and what my embarrassing fetish is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 473

You deserved it 1 891

By 1942Ford - 07/05/2016 14:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I'm getting a medical scan, so I had to drink a barium shake for breakfast. It was so disgusting that I puked it back up. Now I have to drink another one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 288

You deserved it 1 297

1942Ford tells us more.

1942Ford 11

Sunday 8 May 2016 20:15

OP here - can't believe this got published! I kept the second nasty shake down and survived the scan, only to have cramps and diarrhea the whole rest of the day. I really know how to party on a Saturday, don't I? They did the scan because I've been having abdominal pain. Should have the results next week, hope it turns out to be nothing!

By Randolph - 15/10/2012 02:24 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, a clown came over for my son's 8th birthday party. There was a moment of silence then laughter as everyone realized the clown and I were wearing the same plaid shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 661

You deserved it 4 957

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay

By axewoman - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 616

You deserved it 3 807

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Today, my girlfriend admitted to me that she has been sleeping with someone on her girls basketball team, which at first turned me on. Then I found out he's the team manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 628

You deserved it 9 726

Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up denial and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 956

You deserved it 6 698

Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 621

You deserved it 3 132

Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 500

You deserved it 40 130

Today, my girlfriend's homophobic cousin claimed she saw me making out with my gay friend in public. I was home alone all day, but my girlfriend is crying and unconvinced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 521

You deserved it 201

Today, I tried to hang up a light and, in my clumsiness, got shocked. My dad started screaming at me for yelling out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 241