Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML
Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML
Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML
Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "The Fuckinator." FML
Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML
Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Today, I had to tell my 7 year old-son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML
Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML
Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML
Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML
Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML
Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML
Today, I was showing off my sexy new lingerie set to my boyfriend. While we were getting frisky, he got really into things and ripped it completely off my body, destroying it. It cost me $110. FML
Today, I realized that my fiancé only touches me when he wants to have sex. Any other contact is purely accidental. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML
Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky in bed. He mumbled something that sounded like "I love you." I replied "I love you too baby", to which he laughed then said, "I said I wanted you to blow me." FML
Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML
Today, after recently moving to an apartment, we've already been asked if we wanted to buy drugs, had a children's chair thrown through the front window, our door painted with "CUNT LICKER" and my laundry stolen. FML
Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML
Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he put me through so much heartache last year was because the make-up sex was awesome. FML
Today, I received an e-mail from my girlfriend's parents telling me that all the dirty e-mails I've been sending to her while she is away have been accessible by the whole family. FML
Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He swore it wouldn't be 2 minutes long this time. He was right. It was 3 minutes. FML
Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML
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