Kids

Who am I?

By explain please! - 05/08/2022 22:00

Today, my sister and I decided to do one of those online DNA tests just for fun. Our mom came in, saw all the stuff on the table, and lost her mind. She started bawling and apologizing. Apparently, neither one or neither of us actually belong to my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 122

The birds and the bees

By Anonymous - 04/08/2022 18:00

Today, I was having the "sex talk" with my mom because I really want to have sex with my boyfriend. My dad overheard us and is sulking. The only reason he hasn’t said anything like, “I’ll kill the boy” or, “Not until you’re married” is because he’s scared of my mom. Now everything is awkward at home FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 328

Describes most people, really

By Anonymous - 04/08/2022 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my mom called me an auntie, as in a "fun aunt that nieces and nephews love to spend time with, but would be a complete disaster as a real mom, in no way, shape or form fit to actually raise a child responsibly." Dad agreed. So did my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 314

Dear Leader

By IHateThisFamily - 04/08/2022 06:00

Today, my Trump-loving sister named her newborn daughter Maga. She’s dead serious. It’s on the hospital papers. And she has the audacity to say she’s “not in a cult.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 329

Nice try, Patricia

By Anonymous - 04/08/2022 02:00

Today, I had to deal with a lady who claimed her son was autistic to try and skip the queue. Even her son was saying he’s not autistic, and she was screaming in his face that yes he was. I happen to be genuinely autistic. Security threw her out, and I was jealous that I didn’t get to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 200

You deserved it 144

High value male

By The Female Kratos - 03/08/2022 22:00

Today, my ex claimed she missed me and asked me to come back, but when I gave her a polite and firm no, she turned nasty and keyed my car. Apparently, what she actually missed was someone mug enough to pay 2/3 of the household bills, while looking after her badly behaved brat whenever she didn't want to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 135

Where there's a will, there's a way

By Alfonso - 03/08/2022 05:00 - United States - Pomona

Today, I got a text from my husband’s adult son offering help. I’ve been my husband’s caretaker for 4 years as he battled Parkinson’s and cancer. His son never called once to offer help; when I asked, he refused. Sadly, my husband passed last month. Now his son is offering help because they can’t find the will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 307

You deserved it 98

Bad parenting tips

By Anonymous - 02/08/2022 10:00

Today, even though I don’t have a problem with my ex having sex, I do have a problem with her bringing dudes home, who then meet my kid, confusing him. My kid is 4 years-old asked me if the guy from yesterday was his daddy, or if I was his daddy, even though I visit him every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 399

You deserved it 204

Elmo-blocked

By Kyle - 01/08/2022 22:00

Today, my girlfriend was finally in the mood, when all of a sudden I start hearing loud demands for Elmo. By the time I got the movie started for my son, my girlfriend was completely asleep, in her négligée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 279

Childfree confirmation ceremony

By Kathya Wilson - 01/08/2022 10:00

Today, I hung out with a friend who doesn’t have any kids. We went to the park, where my three year-old son decided to drop his drawers and shit next to a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 315

He's a keeper

By EmmaJelly - 31/07/2022 10:00

Today, my three year-old son accidentally spilled strawberry jelly on my husband’s work shirt. My husband threw a huge fit, and went on a huge rant about how he was going to be late for work. He also said, and I quote, “Why couldn’t you just get a fucking abortion?” in front of our son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 491

You deserved it 209

Blood rat

By jadalee8290 - 30/07/2022 16:00 - United States - Shallotte

Today, while we're on vacation, my 6 year-old son barged in the bathroom as I was changing my tampon. He was horrified and kept screaming, asking why I “pulled a blood rat out of my butt.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 225

You deserved it 249

Sleepless in Singapore

By Anonymous - 30/07/2022 10:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was having trouble sleeping due to jet lag. I was finally sleepy and looking forward to a decent night of rest when my 4 year-old woke up and refused to stay in his room or try to rest. The next two hours involved him shouting at me, kicking me, and crying because he wanted Daddy, who is on a business trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 848

You deserved it 215

What have been up to?

By Middle Age Divorced Dad - 29/07/2022 16:00 - Canada - Kanata

Today, while picking up one of my older kids from school, I started talking to another parent. He commented that it had been quite a year in the kindergarten, because every day his kids come home telling stories about two girls, Hannah and Pi, and all the things they did that day. Hannah is my daughter, Pi is her nickname. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 212

Irrational fears

By emelie000 - 29/07/2022 14:00

Today, my daughter, who can pick up spiders and even snakes without flinching, screamed at the top of her lungs because she saw a mouse. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 210

OANN FML

By Wokeasshusband - 29/07/2022 02:00

Today, my wife announced that she wants to pull our son out of school and homeschool him, because the “liberals” made schools into indoctrination centers that teach children to be, and accept, “gay pedophiles” and other “woke-ass bullshit.” Sometimes I ask myself what I saw in this lunatic lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 179

You deserved it 1 416

Fashionable disorders

By julia - 27/07/2022 22:00

Today, my eleven-year-old daughter complained that she has "no serotonin.” I fear what is to come for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 198

Pick up

By Slayeddd - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 769

You deserved it 3 703

Little shit

By Rare female gamer loves Gears of War - 27/07/2022 14:00

Today, I refused to play with my brother because he always breaks my stuff. Mom brought him into my room to force us to play together. He tripped and spilled coke on my Xbox, which smoked then died. Mom just backed out of the room with him slowly, like, "I see what you mean, we'll leave you alone now." I hate him so much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 164

You deserved it 169

Respect the dead

By what the fuck is wrong with her? - 27/07/2022 10:00

Today, my idiot stepdaughter wadded up my dead grandma’s quilt instead of folding it neatly after using it. When I asked how she would feel if I wadded up her dead mom’s blanket, she replied that she wouldn’t care, at all. She then had the audacity to ask me to explain what she did wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 410

You deserved it 1 210

Dogfished

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I took my 13 year-old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 221

You deserved it 4 451

My house, my rules

By Anonymous - 27/07/2022 00:01

Today, my daughter asked to go to a party and I said no, because I know some of the other people going and they're bad news. She then said she only asked permission as a courtesy, and is going anyway and just left. She lives with me but she did turn 18 last week, and I don’t know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 422

You deserved it 985

My child is so hilarious!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 479

You deserved it 2 819

Paranoid parents

By LibraryPedo - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was yelled at and called a pedophile by a mom for talking to her 5 year-old girl. I work at a library, and she looked like she needed help. This is the third time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 731

You deserved it 4 145

It's all too much

By Anonymous - 25/07/2022 04:00

Today, after my boyfriend dumped me, my job cut my hours, and my toddler got an ear infection, all I wanted was a takeaway after I finally got her to sleep. I fell asleep too and never heard the doorbell, so they left my food by the door where rats got at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 268

You deserved it 194

Tight fit

By Anonymous - 25/07/2022 00:01

Today, my two boys wanted to sleep in bed with us. My wife gave them the okay, even though there’s not enough room for all of us to lay. I’m now sleeping in my 3 year-old’s bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 176

Oh Lawd, he coming

By KidKillah - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Napa

Today, a small kid looked at me, screamed in terror, and hid behind his dad. I was just walking down the same aisle in the store. This is far from the first time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 588

You deserved it 3 282

Sitcom dad

By Anonymous - 23/07/2022 06:00

Today, my wife is convinced I don't love my daughter. Why? She got her first boyfriend recently, and I was friendly with the lad, instead of doing the stupid "overprotective dad" routine. Apparently, not feeling the need to act like a dumbass sitcom character means I secretly resent my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 545

You deserved it 127

Dream baby dream

By MandieL - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I rushed over to stop my infant daughter from falling off her swing. Luckily just before she hit the ground, I woke up. Unfortunately, I woke up because I'd rolled off my bed and hit the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 776

You deserved it 1 913

Go play with your Lego

By Anonymous - 21/07/2022 22:00

Today, I had to hide under my husband silently as he tried to get our 3 year-old son to go play in the living room so we could both finish. Sex is hard when you have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 436

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 988

You deserved it 9 102

Today, I ignored my wife's phone calls at work, since all she ever wants to do is complain or talk about chores and projects. An hour later, security called my desk. She'd shown up at work to bitch me out for ignoring her. Now I'm the laughing stock of my workplace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 546

You deserved it 218

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 317

You deserved it 40 421

Today, by pure chance, I found the website where my boyfriend has been getting all the cute, "original" romantic texts he sends me, including the one that made me fall in love with him to begin with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 411

You deserved it 10 100

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 789

You deserved it 3 980

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 117

You deserved it 6 478