Kids

Hacker

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my 8 year-old sister learned how to type her name into a phone using the number keypad. I later found my phone on the kitchen counter with all my contacts under her name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 980

You deserved it 9 841

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school, as I walked past the swings these two girls smiled and said "wow, you are so pretty!". I smiled back and said "awww, well thank you!." As I walked past I hear them laughing, "she actually believed us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 548

You deserved it 5 157

You're under arrest

By poo_shoe123 - 31/03/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 662

You deserved it 10 246

By somerandomchick - 31/03/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 953

You deserved it 30 505

Nice family you've got there

By Wmsys32pr9 - 30/03/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, a 7-year-old girl came up to me and told me to go fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard the conversation; she came up to me and told me to go fuck myself as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 274 053

You deserved it 30 919

Annoyed

By musicman2005 - 30/03/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 959

You deserved it 64 543

By Chubs - 29/03/2009 12:32 - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks, "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 363

You deserved it 11 658

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 317

You deserved it 10 511

By justjust - 28/03/2009 14:14 - United States

Today, I was at work at a preschool. I was sitting outside with the kids and was getting bored so I started singing. One of the little girls runs up and puts her hand over my mouth and tells me to stop. I'm in a select chorus at my highschool and plan to major in choral studies in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 906

You deserved it 11 362

About to Popov

By badmom - 27/03/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was packing my son's lunch and we'd ran out of water bottles. I asked my 16 year-old to run to the store. She didn't want to, but gave me one she had. After dropping my son off, my daughter frantically told me she'd made a mistake. I sent my second grader to school with a bottle of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 369

You deserved it 17 988

By Anonymous - 27/03/2009 13:05 - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 014

You deserved it 93 247

Easy mistake

By Anonymous - 26/03/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I was at QuickTrip. As I was leaving, I passed a woman who was saying, "Stay!" very sternly through her open driver's side door. I smiled as I passed, saying, "Your dog wants to follow you huh? I've been there." She glared at me and said, "No. That's my son. He's mentally challenged." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 031

You deserved it 26 135

Don't listen to him

By CaoNiMa - 26/03/2009 15:42 - China

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were watching a movie in my basement. I ran upstairs and popped a bag of popcorn. Later I came downstairs to find my 10 year-old brother sitting next to my girlfriend, saying, "My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 873

You deserved it 74 934

By Alex - 26/03/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 203

You deserved it 76 888

By babysitter - 26/03/2009 03:45 - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 470

You deserved it 5 143

Retainer blues

By teef - 24/03/2009 08:19 - Canada

Today, at the store, I heard a kid complaining about getting braces. While I was saying "Thank you" and "Bye" to the cashier, his grandma must've seen my slightly crooked teeth. She pointed and said, "Without them, your teeth will look bad like that man's!" Everyone around looked at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 713

You deserved it 4 585

By Noca - 23/03/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 322

You deserved it 34 851

Great talking to you

By unlovedd - 22/03/2009 05:45 - United States

I agree, your life sucks 66 805

You deserved it 4 720

By joshinbaltimore - 22/03/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 109

You deserved it 25 606

Little twit

By Anonymous - 22/03/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, my 7 year-old brother asked me what "horny" meant whilst in the car with my parents. When I wouldn't tell him what it meant he screamed, "I'm getting horny!" at the top of his lungs, and told my parents that I told him to say it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 760

You deserved it 7 136

By Anonymous - 21/03/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 609

You deserved it 689 015

No warning

By daddy-to-be - 20/03/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, as I was getting my mail, I noticed I'd received a free coupon from a baby supply store, saying, "Congratulations on your pregnancy!" Thinking it was a mistake, I showed my girlfriend, who I live with. All she had to say was, "Surprise!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 149

You deserved it 17 345

By ScoobieDoo - 20/03/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 427 384

You deserved it 66 979

Cool beans

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if I could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over, he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 305

You deserved it 4 650

By Alexa23 - 15/03/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 131 253

You deserved it 8 915

By superfkd - 15/03/2009 02:27 - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 938

You deserved it 70 287

5-star meal

By storyofmylife - 15/03/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 665

You deserved it 10 791

Reported

By maximumpower - 15/03/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant in town, when a small boy started looking at me. I simply smiled and went back to eating, only to hear out of the corner of my ear, "Daddy, why does that kid's face look like that"? He said it so loud, the three tables next to us turned and looked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 173

You deserved it 3 530

By xoVioLoveox - 10/03/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year-old boy. He decided we would play with Nerf guns with Velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck to his pants, and he wiggled it for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 304

You deserved it 13 281

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, at the gym, some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill for not going fast enough, and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing, because he heard me from the other side of the room, and threatened to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 816

You deserved it 9 548

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 098

You deserved it 37 288

Today, out of the goodness of my heart, I went to work to help out a co-worker even though my last day was last week. I parked in a garage a block away for 2 hours. I paid $20 to park, didn't get paid, am spending $400 to get my back window replaced, and I have to buy a new iPod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 893

You deserved it 8 494

Today, I mistakenly shared my picture in my office group chat, then went to dinner. No one asked me to delete it for 30 minutes, then when I got a message that I'd shared it in the wrong window, I deleted it immediately. I don't know how many people saw the picture, and my manager also is in the group in addition to my colleagues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 242

You deserved it 1 108

Today, I was walking down the street when I saw a cute dog. I reached down to pet it, but it snarled then bit me. As I was walking away, I saw the owner of the dog, who was laughing and filming the whole thing on his shitty cellphone. I hope the video isn't out there on TikTok or whatever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 435

You deserved it 1 017

Today, I joined a Zoom call late and accidentally unmuted myself while yelling at my kids to stop fighting. I didn't realize I was unmuted until I saw my manager's horrified face and the rest of the team trying not to laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 204

You deserved it 522