Kids

Defense!

By ruined_suit - 17/04/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins were still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid ran out and shot me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and ruined my new suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 141

You deserved it 7 138

By jules - 17/04/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I was in the supermarket when I saw a little boy trying to reach for something on the top shelf. I went over to him and asked if his mom knew where he was. The boy turned around. He was actually a very angry midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 591

You deserved it 57 197

By christinabear - 15/04/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I screamed down the stairs "you suck, stop playing!" Turns out it was my 5 year old cousin playing a recital. For my entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 900

You deserved it 88 919

Shut up

By brad3720 - 14/04/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. A six year-old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were, he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 605

You deserved it 7 549

By grem - 13/04/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 698

You deserved it 69 557

By shizzy09 - 13/04/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 532

You deserved it 5 145

Kids these days…

By Anonymous - 13/04/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my two year-old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 090

You deserved it 24 998

Snitches get stiches

By cxcrktkt - 12/04/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, my ten year-old son realized something. Beer is alcohol. People who drink a lot of alcohol are alcoholics. Therefore, I'm an alcoholic for drinking beer with dinner. He told everyone at his conservative private school and they tried to have an intervention. They pray for me every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 841

You deserved it 12 956

By Bob - 11/04/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year-old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I gave him the gift, and he started playing with the bag it came in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 820

You deserved it 9 826

Sorry sweaty

By boyfriendless - 10/04/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a five year-old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, and he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute… except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 910

You deserved it 6 216

By mandy - 10/04/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 322

You deserved it 3 563

By Liz - 09/04/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 979

You deserved it 19 200

Unlucky

By Tim - 09/04/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over, I walked around cleaning up the trash. I saw a card sitting on the table, along with a note to my mom saying, "Better luck with this one." At the moment I'm an only child, and the card was from my grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 719

You deserved it 4 258

Tyranny

By luh8r - 09/04/2009 14:38 - Canada

Today, while teaching swimming to a bunch of five year-olds, one particularly bratty girl decided she didn't want to swim and led the entire class to strike, leaving the pool empty, and me without a job. Apparently I was teaching the next world tyrant to swim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 278

You deserved it 4 704

Wrong end of the stick

By anonymous - 09/04/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, while teaching my kindergarten class, I had a feeling I was starting my period again. A boy in the class asked me what a period was. Stressing over my own, I briefly told him it's a woman's time of the month when they have mood swings. He was asking about the dot at the end of a sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 593

You deserved it 39 577

By nothing - 08/04/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 901

You deserved it 63 773

Oh, that hurts

By livay315 - 08/04/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, my daughter's school was putting on a fashion show for charity and all the kids were supposed to ask their mothers to be in it. I asked my daughter about it and she said, "Well, I was going to ask you, but they said to only 'ask all of your beautiful mommies'." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 921

You deserved it 4 123

By Anonymous - 08/04/2009 04:03 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 685

You deserved it 6 243

By ugly - 07/04/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 511

You deserved it 19 606

Blunder

By Anonymous - 07/04/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a portrait studio and was taking pictures of a little girl, I kept telling the girl to stop making silly faces when she smiles because her eyes go cross-eyed. After the third time I said it her mom grabbed the little girl and left. Turns out, she was naturally cross-eyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 551

You deserved it 58 279

Preference

By Windstar - 07/04/2009 07:32 - Canada

Today, my daughter ran up to a librarian working in the kids section and screamed "MOMMY!" and hugged her. She looked at her and said "I'm not your mommy." My daughters reply: "I know. But you're better than mommy" FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 880

You deserved it 7 977

Suspicious activity

By omgn00blolz89 - 07/04/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I was walking my little sister home from the eye doctor. It was raining out so we were kind of in a hurry to get home. We get home and about half an hour later, the cops show up. Apparently, someone saw me walking my sister and called the cops on me thinking I was a child molester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 620

You deserved it 3 769

By trashcanned - 06/04/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 782

You deserved it 52 244

By YAABOIII - 05/04/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 232

You deserved it 8 815

Cute but… TMI

By heytherexo - 05/04/2009 02:10 - United States

Today, while I was showering, my 3 year-old son came to the bathroom and put on all my makeup. Once I got out of the shower, I got a camera I had and took a few adorable shots. Afterwards, I sent the images to all my friends and family. Then I realized the reflection on the mirror was me fully naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 963

You deserved it 93 537

By Nottheprettylady - 05/04/2009 01:07 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 020

You deserved it 3 836

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her adorable 5 year-old sister came up, gave me a hug, and said, "You're fat. When are you going home?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 894

You deserved it 6 074

By Anonymous - 02/04/2009 16:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 291

You deserved it 8 281

By jalapenos99 - 02/04/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 629

You deserved it 54 912

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory." Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 779

You deserved it 5 231

Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 388

You deserved it 3 515

Today, I woke up in an amazing mood and practically jumped out of bed, only to fall flat on my face. In my half-asleep daze I'd forgotten that I'm missing a leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 347

You deserved it 328

Today, my coworker said her dog died. Without thinking, I tried to cheer her up and said, “Oh man, that’s rough. Get it? Ruff? Ruff ruff!” and giggled like a schoolgirl. Nobody laughed. My coworker burst into more tears. I have a Teams video meeting with my supervisor and HR this afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 225

You deserved it 2 215

Today, I tried convincing my friend that his casual long-distance girlfriend, who won't meet him and never video/voice chats, is in all probability a guy catfishing him. He refuses to listen to me because her Facebook profile looks "legit". She only has one profile picture and her friends list is full of bots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 139

Today, I was cleaning my car when I hit the automatic window button while I was vacuuming in between the door and the driver's seat, and got stuck halfway out, in full view of my neighbor. He had to come get me out, because I couldn't reach the button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 502

You deserved it 239