Anonymous
Warren, United States
All worn out
Today, despite only being 39, I nearly threw my back out when I sneezed. FML
All the FMLs
Wilder-Grey
Dayton, United States
It's all too much
Today, my boyfriend has been in the hospital since Saturday and I don't know when he'll be home, the anniversary of my favorite grandma's death is coming up, and it's the week before my period. My emotions are so out of whack that even I'm sick of myself. FML
Anonymous
Canada
Bad day
Today, I’m a nurse on a 12-hour shift and finally got a 5-minute break to inhale a yogurt. I absentmindedly grabbed what I thought was my spoon from my pocket. It was actually a thermometer cover. A patient watched me freeze mid-bite, slowly process my mistake, and then whispered, “Rough day?” FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff
New Ulm, United States
Been there, done that
Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML
Pizza?
Portland, United States
Training wheels
Today, I’m learning to cook and invited friends over to prove I’m improving. I timed everything perfectly… or so I thought. I realized I’d never actually turned the oven on. We stood around a beautifully plated tray of room-temperature lasagna while I said, “It just needs… a bit more time.” Two hours later, we ordered pizza. FML
Anonymous
United States
Kinda expected
Today, I've been getting nothing but hate and backlash for letting my son, who had severe COVID, attend his father's funeral. It was the only chance for him to say goodbye, but nobody cares. FML
Anonymous
Corona, United States
Advice wanted
Today, I’m about to lose the love of my life. I love this man with every fiber of my being, but his kids are absolute fucking monsters. They treat me like shit and he doesn’t intervene. I’m so heartbroken, but what else can I do? FML
NotSoClean
This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff
United States
Junk in the trunk
Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML
anonymous mom
United States
Have a nice flight?
Today, I took my toddler on a flight alone for the first time. I packed snacks, toys, everything. Thirty minutes after takeoff, he threw his juice straight onto my lap, then screamed for the exact snack I'd forgotten. The passenger next to me offered tissues and said, “First time?” I nodded, covered in sticky apple juice, for the next two hours. FML
Pete
United States
Noob
Today, I’m a gym newbie and finally worked up the nerve to use the squat rack. I loaded a very modest weight but still felt proud. Halfway through, I realized I’d set up directly in front of the mirror… backwards. I was basically doing awkward half-squats facing everyone else, and two people were politely trying not to laugh behind me. FML
Anonymous
United States
Dark side
Today, I dumped my fiance because his grandma, who raised him since birth, died and I overheard him making it clear that all he cared about was her inheritance. I thought he was my soulmate, but I can't be married to somebody like that. FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff
Canada
Who is this?
Today, a telemarketer called and asked if they could speak to my "Mommy or Daddy." I'm 25 years old. FML
oops
San Francisco, United States
Commited
Today, I’m a junior developer and I'd pushed what I thought was a minor fix right before logging off on Friday. Monday morning, I walked into a message: “Site down since Saturday.” My “tiny change” broke a key function. The whole team was already in a call when I joined, and I had to say, "Yeah, um… that was my commit.” FML
Anonymous
United States
Reunited
Today, I finally located all seven of my younger siblings, who I abandoned to foster care when I was 15, after our parents were deported back to Mexico. Each and every one of them told me to fuck off. FML
Tom
This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff
Israel
Night killer
Today, I was woken up by a funky smell. My dog had eaten a dead bird and thrown up all over my bed and floor. At 4 o'clock in the morning I had to clean up regurgitated bits of bird, feathers, blood and dog food. The smell still hasn't gone away. FML
Anonymous
United States
Over my dead body
Today, I prevented my brother from attending our sister's funeral, since they hated each other and she didn't want him there, in accordance with her wishes. Now the whole family hates me and say that I should have let him in and that sometimes, you have to go against someone's wishes. FML
Karlin
The Netherlands
The blame game
Today, I asked my wife to keep our toddler confined while I hung a shelf. Of course, she didn't, and he came in and picked up a screwdriver. I tried to take it away, and he ran off giggling, only to trip and slice his forehead open. According to my wife, this is entirely my fault and she is taking him to her mom's. FML
Anonymous
United States
My body, my choice
Today, I found out that my parents are sending me to boot camp. All because I drove my sister to her abortion when they wouldn't. Not even she can stop them from doing it. FML
Anonymous
Phoenix, United States
Blackout
Today, my wife doesn't remember that last night when she was so drunk (light weight) that she kept telling me to pick up the thingy off the floor and was pointing at it. We went back and forth about it for a few minutes. There was nothing there. FML
Fartnonymous
This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff
Doha, Qatar
Gassy
Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML
Marriage is a lie
United States
Shut down
Today, my wife flat out refuses to have sex with me, ever. Most days it's "What have you done to earn sex?" then when I point out all I do (pay bills, work hard, take care of her, the kids and the house) it's, "Oh, so that means I owe you sex?" I even got that excuse on my birthday. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom
Make plans, God laughs…
Today, we lost our dream house because the current owner heard us discussing our plans to landscape the massive back garden, and she decided she couldn’t sell to someone who planned to rip out all the flowerbeds she spent years cultivating. Why sell the house then, selfish cow? FML
Anonymous
United States
Unfair
Today, I lost my custody battle and I have to return my grandchildren to my disowned daughter, who was allowing her now ex-husband to abuse them. I can't appeal or anything because frankly we don't have the funds. I wish I'd never had her. FML
coral
This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff
United States
Bad doggo!
Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him, only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked, and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML
What is wrong with you
United States
He got the hell out of there, became a new guy
Today, my husband was home past his usual departure time for work, so I pointedly asked if he would be late. He said he called out sick. I stared at him, wide-eyed in disbelief, as he said he "wanted to relax in the yard with a book." He's completely lost his mind. FML
Hiddengurlnomoar
United States
I keep mine hidden
Today, I confronted my boyfriend of 8 months about him posting our date nights sitting at a table and having drinks, yet I don’t appear in a single frame. He said, “I just don’t post people.” He posts friends, family, and colleagues in pictures all the time, but when it comes to me, he “doesn’t post people.” FML
Anonymous
Glasgow, United Kingdom
Cash out crashout
Today, I applied for a 0% balance transfer credit card to switch my balance. The application crashed at the last stage and now I've been told I might not get the same limit, plus my credit score is affected if I apply again. FML
barbecued goat anyone?
United States
Link please!
Today, I borrowed a goat from a coworker to clear out an overgrown section of our yard. It worked great, except for the part where the goat butted me on my ass. Of course my wife was filming and laughing, and later put it on Instagram. FML
Anonymous
This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff
He tried.
Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML
Sneezy weezy
Fontana, United States
Tis the season…
Today, my seasonal allergies are so bad that I can’t function. I have two choices; I can either take Benadryl and be knocked unconscious, or I can take Claritin D but it makes me so jumpy and jittery, I feel like I’m losing my mind. Even the prescription stuff doesn’t work. FML