Today, I got to my log cabin after an hour's hiking. I lit the fire because it was freezing and my stupid dog sniffed the fire, looked me in the eye, then jumped right into the fire and knocked the logs everywhere. My cabin is now ashes and I had an hour's hike back to my car with my stupid dog. FML
Today, I saw my husband’s Instagram story of a young lady captioned, “How did I get so lucky?” I took a screenshot of it and sent it to him. His only defense was, “Oh fuck, I meant to post that to my Close Friends! It’s not what it looks like!” He's called me 14 times and has left 6 voicemails of him sobbing to not leave him. FML
Today, I realized this holiday season is the first time in 4 years that I won't have a partner to share the holidays with. My partner of 4 years cheated on me this summer. I'm still bitter and dating is unnecessarily difficult. I wish I could just be happy alone and never feel lonely again. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with vertigo. It's like being perpetually drunk, but without any of the fun bits. FML
Today, after I tried to plan a surprise party for my friend, and a series of miscommunications and accidental reveals, it turned it into a surprise party for myself. I walked into a room filled with people shouting, "Surprise!" FML
Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML
Today, my wife broke the TV during an argument with her mother, but it’s my fault because I "put the TV in such a stupid place" so I should pay for a new one. Anyone know any good divorce lawyers? Stick the number in the comments, I’m so done with her bullshit and her crazy family of assholes. FML
Today, while I was shaving my nose started to itch. Guess which I shaved and which I itched. FML
Today, I went to get a box of cereal and I knocked over a bottle of olive oil. It took me about half an hour to clean up. When I finally finished, I found out the box of cereal was empty. FML
Today, my son got in an argument with my boyfriend, packed up his stuff, and moved in with his dad. Not five minutes later I saw my boyfriend doing his stupid happy dance. When angrily confronted, he admitted he orchestrated every argument for months until he got the result he wanted, my son gone. FML
Today, just like every workday for the last 6 months, the construction workers in my building made loud noises in the morning and woke me up almost 2 hours before I would otherwise have to get up. This will continue for one more year. I'm not a morning person, and I live in a protected historical building. FML
Today, I was driving home from another long night shift at work. I live from paycheck to paycheck thanks to the current economy and can barely afford rent. To keep myself positive, I thought, "At least my car is paid off." A deer ran out in front of me and totaled my car. FML
Today, during our wedding, my new husband said that he’d divorce me if I “let myself go.” Later, he couldn’t understand why I'd got upset and told me, “Why are you so worked up for? If you don’t want that to happen, just eat healthy and exercise daily, it's not that hard.” FML
Today, I left my four month-old daughter with my boyfriend of three weeks so I could go shopping in peace. I came home four hours later to find her screaming, hungry, with a dirty diaper. When I asked why he didn't do anything to help her, he said, "Why should I? She's not my kid." FML
Today, my social studies teacher thought it would be a great idea to have a casual debate about Margaret Thatcher and her legacy. Within 10 minutes, the entire class was yelling, screaming, throwing stuff at each other. I got hit in the face with a binder. FML
Today, after I moved in with my best friend a year ago, living with her and her boyfriend for over 3 months, I couldn’t handle them fighting so I moved out 9 months later. She cheated on her boyfriend with a coworker and is now moving in with me, so, "We can live like wild teenagers." We’re both 30 and I’m not single. FML
Today, I spent yet another lunch venting to my best friend about how much I hate my teenage son's girlfriend, thinking he should be with someone less outspoken. Apparently she got tired of listening because she eventually snapped, "Oh for god's sake, just admit you want to fuck your son already!" and left. FML
Today, despite being the first to hold all my other grandchildren, despite my son and bitch of a daughter-in-law agreeing I would be the first, I showed up at the hospital to see my daughter-in-law's father holding my grandchild before me. FML
Today, I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with, "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML
Today, I've been job searching desperately for years. I'm always either rejected or the places just do not contact me, or they are too far away. No license and no cell service. Not even a Thanksgiving meal this year. I wanna give up. FML
Today, I was dismissed because of my company's strict "no drugs" policy. Yesterday, I had a talk with my team leader and confessed that I have to take antidepressants; this arse then reported it to the management, and they fired me because they are not aware of what these pills contain, and it could affect my performance. FML
Today, after having had my cat for a year, I've began to understand why people spoil their pets: Between me and her, I want at least one of us to have the easy, comfortable life she deserves. FML
Today, I realized I have rejected at least five marriage offers and about the same number of women who've wanted to have my children. I have never been into kids or marriage, but all my girlfriends and some FWBs turn into marriage and kid crazy wannabe housewives after a while. FML
Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML
Today, and most nights, my 17 year-old twins scream and shout while playing Fortnite. I asked if they could kindly not tonight, as I was tired and needed sleep. One told me I couldn't tell him to get off, he's allowed to play. I turned the WiFi off, which ended up with the other screaming and swearing how unfair i was. Now I can't sleep. FML
Today, I wasn't sure if I would have to go to work. My mom told me the night before that she would wake me up if I had to. I woke up, and seeing that it was past the time I normally go to work, I happily assumed I got called off. That is, until I got a phone call from my boss asking me why I wasn't there yet. FML
Today, I took a online midterm for a 400 level class I need to graduate this winter. I didn't realize that Proctorio links your computer to your phone, so when I opened my phone and googled the exact question, it gave me a notification on my screen which Proctorio screen recorded. FML
Today, I went to my son's parent teacher conference. Imagine my shock when I found out his second grade teacher is the girl I chastised at Walmart yesterday for being covered in trashy tattoos. FML
Today, I learned just how bad jellyfish stings hurt. Multiple times. On my testicles. FML
Today, I got home and my wife asked me why I hadn’t taken the bin out or cleaned the living room. I asked her why she hadn’t done it since she got fired 6 months ago for laziness and since then has sat on her ass watching daytime TV instead of job searching. She threw a mug at my face. FML
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