Today, my parents told me not to make plans for dinner as they were bringing it home. Normally, that would be great but they brought home slop from some buffet that had just opened. Everything was greasy, too salty, or bland. I told them they could have it, and made my own dinner. Now I'm being called, "The Food Network critic." FML
Today, I got in trouble for following the rules at work. This is the third workplace where this has happened. Each time, when I provided the written document that showed the rules that I followed, I was told, "Well…" Don't make it a "rule" if it's really going to be a guideline with 50+ possible exceptions. FML
Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML
Today, at a Dollar Store today with my roommate (I'm 31, my roommate is 32) where some guy stalked us all through the store, and even waited outside the store for us. I had to resort to pretending the Uber driver was my boyfriend. FML
Today, while I was stuck in traffic, I got a nasty call from my boss, demanding to know why I hadn't set up a demo site for a client. I'd never gotten the request, and even if I had, I couldn't do it because I was in traffic. The exchange humiliated him on a conference call with the client, so he wrote me up out of spite. FML
Today, I was playing beer pong at a party and managed to get the ball in a cup. I jumped a little bit in excitement and somehow managed to fracture my foot while doing so. FML
Today, while doing chemistry, I was repeatedly reprimanded by the teacher for holding the test tubes higher than my partner's head. I'm 6'2, and the person I was assigned to work with is about 5'1. You can't switch partners unless your partner is absent or gets pulled from the lab for being a dangerous idiot. FML
Today, a day after I applied for a promising job in a nearby city, I got an e-mail saying they'd like to set up an interview. I was hopeful, right up until the call I got was flagged as "ILLEGAL SCAM" by caller ID and the interviewer, who stated she represented that very company, was plainly calling from India. FML
Today, I went into labor, and my husband wasn't answering his phone. I called my sister to ask her to drive me to the hospital but she said she'd only do it if I paid her $1000. I had to dial 911, and almost gave birth in my bathroom in process. FML
Today, I'm facing the truth that the women I married, in large part to bring my long-lost family together, was too successful as she slept with one of them. FML
Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off, only to learn that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML
Today, after a long talk with the kids, I finally got all the chores around the house done early so we could have a fun family weekend. My wife decided to be a wet blanket and insisted we needed to deep clean the already clean kitchen. Three arguments later, everyone is sulking, and I'm working in the kitchen alone. FML
Today, I made a tasty, healthy plant-based lunch for my family. They ate a few bites, spat it out, and then went to McDonald's "to eat real food, you know, food with meat in it." FML
Today, I was working my lifeguard job when I had to remind a 17 year-old boy that water is clear and that I could see him pulling his trunks down to moon his friends. Kind of want to drown myself now. FML
Today, my family is getting ready for a vacation. My idea of a vacation is being on a beach, staying in a luxurious hotel, with cute guys and great restaurants everywhere. Unfortunately, we are going to be sleeping in a cold tent in the mountains, cook over a fire, and listen to bears stomp around at night. FML
Today, I've been being harassed by a collections office for over a month. Every time I try to call them back, no answer. My bank froze my accounts over it. I finally got an answer today. Not only did they have the wrong person, but I have no idea who the claimant is. The bank knows, but my accounts are still frozen. FML
Today, I was about to take a drink from my cup when I saw a bug making its way along the lid. When I saw it going down into the drink, I quickly ripped off the lid to stop it. I wasn't fast enough, and watched it drown. Thanks for that. FML
Today, I was supposed to train a new hire, grateful to finally have someone else here with me on my shift. He didn't show up. I found out later that his mother didn't want him working here because she thinks he's too smart for this job. I found him working at the McDonald's a few blocks away. We pay more than they do. FML
Today, I walked out to the parking lot and caught a homeless man laying a fat steamer on the hood of my car. FML
Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses, and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML
Today, I arrived home, having just had my long hair cut and my beard shaved. My idiot daughter’s reaction when she saw me? “Who are you and how did you get in the house?” FML
Today, a gorgeous girl was making eyes at me in a cafe, and she actually came and said hi to me. Before I could say hi back, my brother said to her, “Stop making eyes at my boyfriend you slut.” She left upset and I wanted to murder him. He thought it was the best prank ever. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My birthday present was a pelvic exam, and not even the good kind of pelvic exam. Woo hoo! FML
Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML
Today, I met my "grandson". Even though my son and his wife are both lily white, the child was clearly half-black. I pulled my son aside to have a word, but he said, "Her grandmother was black and she has recessive genes, it's really rare." I can't believe I raised this dumbass. FML
Today, my mom, who still refuses to get a mobile phone, was late coming home, so I was sent to buy dinner. Dad wanted seafood. I picked it up and returned, only to find Mom was already back with McDonald's. Dad insisted we eat that, despite my protests and MY money I'd spent on HIS request. I made sure Mom saw the Verizon ads. FML
Today, after international flights while being five months pregnant to elope with a good man, which my family disapproved of, then paying thousands for his visa with limited finances, he told me, after I struggled with breastfeeding days after the birth, that he didn’t care about me, and had only cared whilst his baby was inside me. FML
Today, I've been sick for five days and I have two college essays and a exam coming up, along with a few other assignments. I've been working non-stop for five days with less than six hours of sleep per day, and more assignments are flowing in as I am working. FML
Today, I found out that I was held back in preschool because of some developmental issues. My parents didn't think it was important enough to mention it to me. Why hadn't I figured it out? They also lied to me about how old I was. FML
Today, I found out one of the neighborhood kids has been stealing from my mailbox. Several packages marked "delivered" had gone missing over the last few months, so I set up a trail cam in the yard. I notified the USPS and the police; they confronted him at his house. He's been reselling everything I ordered on eBay. FML
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