Today, I went on a date that went well, until the bill came and she quickly shoved it in my direction, then went to the loo. Rude, but I thought nothing of it… until our waiter took pity and told me I’m the fourth guy she’s had this week who'd been made to pay for her. I paid half, then went home. FML
Today, there was a massive thunderstorm in my area. My first instinct - as well as my parents' - was to go to my sickly grandma's house and make sure she was okay, as she lives alone. As we prepared to step outside, we all remembered a rather crucial detail: My grandma is dead. FML
Today, I was visiting my mom for Easter weekend. I rarely visit her, since she lives on the other side of the state. She spent the nicest day of the visit sick all day in bed. It wasn't food poisoning, the doctors don't know what it was, but she was fine the next day, when it was raining and much colder, so no outdoors for us. FML
Today, I have dated three people in high school and all of them cheated on me. The first one had feelings for, let's say, person A; the second one had feelings for person B; and the third girl had feelings for both person A and B. So, I ain't gonna be dating anyone any time soon. FML
Today, I’m tired of women taking drastic measures to avoid me, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. Recently, I was talking to an old classmate from high school and she faked deleting her profile to avoid following up with our talk about plans. FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML
Today, I've recently been promoted to a VP at a bank. Despite this, in my parents' eyes, I will always be that idiot two year-old who refused to put his pants on at the cinema. FML
Today, I had a horrific nightmare where I was lost in the woods and got mauled to death by a hungry wolf. I fully blacked out in the dream before waking up in real life, at 3AM, where I found that my room was pitch black because I forgot to open the curtains. I genuinely thought I was dead for about five seconds. FML
Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. The local anesthesia worked on three of the four teeth. I found out about the last tooth when the dentist was mid-yank. FML
Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' prank on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML
Today, I have tried so many times to do romantic gestures for my girlfriend, but each time she tells me to stop being silly or to just act normal or to stop annoying her. I guess we’ll just sit on the sofa on our phones ignoring each other then. FML
Today, my parents are mad because I turned down a job. It offered below minimum wage to work 12-hour shifts, six days a week, and the list of benefits was less than the occupational hazards. When I showed them what McDonald's was paying and their benefits in comparison, they accused me of being lazy and entitled. FML
Today, it really feels like I ain’t even got organs, because no matter what I eat or drink, that shit goes straight down and out. FML
Today, my wife is very insistent that we try to get our boys more involved in her religion, starting with church tomorrow morning. She foolishly trusts our boys to behave. They really don’t want to go and I’m convinced they’re plotting something bad, like real bad, the devious little hooligans. FML
Today, my friend invited me to play frisbee golf with him. On my first throw, my frisbee got stuck on a branch near the top of a very tall tree. This is why I don't do sports. FML
Today, for April Fools' day, my entire class decided to prank our religion teacher. During our daily meditation time, while his eyes were closed, we slowly got out of our seats and left the classroom. Two minutes later he opened his eyes, locked us out, and called the dean to give us all detention. FML
Today, my friend told me how he had to block another girl that he knew because she was trying too hard to get in his pants again, and it was starting to annoy him. I wish I could sympathize but I haven’t physically touched a girl in two years, and every girl I’ve tried to talk to has ghosted me. FML
Today, my grandfather kept on asking me questions about my girlfriend, and was obviously proud of the things he remembered about her. The only thing he couldn't remember is that we broke up. I had to talk with him about our "great relationship" for over an hour. FML
Today, my wife is experiencing feral pregnancy cravings. She is craving some sort of cookie that she used to eat as a child. That particular cookie company went out of business 20 years ago, so my wife is growling at me like I was personally responsible for them shutting down. FML
Today, when going to bed after a night of heavy drinking, my boyfriend told me he was in love with his cousin, and that she’s way prettier than me. Later in the morning, he said it was just "drunk talk." FML
Today, no matter what I do, Facebook won't stop showing me pitbulls on my feed. I've been nearly killed by one a dozen times in completely unprovoked attacks, even ones owned by perfectly good people, so it triggers a panic response whenever I see one. Take your ugly murder beasts somewhere else, for fuck's sake. FML
Today, my apartment neighbors just had a baby, meaning the only place I can have my morning Teams meetings when I'm not at the office is at my parents' house. Mid-meeting, as I was giving my report, my dad came up the hall, loudly dropping strings of curses. Even though I tried to mute my mic, my boss heard enough; hello, reprimand. FML
Today, I'm going through the first/worst heartbreak of my life, all while studying for med school finals. Every time I try to focus on studying, I see a flashback of his smile and I melt. FML
Today, my car is still in the shop, so I asked my psycho brother to drive me to the mall. He sped up to nearly 20 km/h over the speed limit, so I shouted for him to stop before he got us both killed. He hit the brakes in the middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML
Today, I went to the dentist. She put a spongy thing on my teeth and told me to bite. Her finger was there, so I was confused and… I accidentally bit her finger. FML
Today, I received yet another increase in my rent. When I moved into my crappy one bedroom apartment in Ohio on Feb 1st 2020 my rent was $525 a month. Now 4 years later its $1050. A 100% increase in 4 years. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that since he's doing a project with a girl in his class and carpooling with her in the morning, she'll be sleeping over at his house. FML
Today, I work at a gas station. There's a bald manlet, who we fired because he couldn't do his job, who has been ripping us off by giving away tickets he wins from the slot machines. We banned him from the store. I caught him on the corner, wearing our uniform, with a sign falsely advertising that our coffee is free. FML
Today, I found one good thing that came from my great-uncle's death: My family can no longer start arguments about his date of birth. Except now I have a new problem: They're mad at me because I was right all along. Someone's dead and they're too busy being sore losers about a date to care. I miss him. FML
Today, my boyfriend made a mess eating spaghetti. Yes, he is older than 5. FML
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