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Nice guys

By Yourlossbech - 19/05/2023 00:01

Today, the woman who turned me down would rather date a bum who smokes weed all day and works at Panera Bread. I have 3 college degrees, a respectable career, and I’m drug free. No matter how much I point this out, she gets butthurt, and has now felt the need to block my social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 2 613

By Anonymous - 10/09/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I pretended to drunk text some friends. When in all reality I was sitting home all alone. I don't know what's worse: that I pretended that I was social and drunk, or that the friend I said I was with was actually with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 148

You deserved it 52 465

By Anonymous - 09/07/2013 16:07 - United States - Katy

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 768

You deserved it 23 111

Paging Taylor Swift

By Anonymous - 25/05/2023 15:00

Today, my mom ambushed me with my cheating ex-fiancé, thinking being in the same room would miraculously change the past and we’d get back together. When I tried to walk out, my mom screamed like a banshee and latched onto my leg. After this I’m putting her in a retirement home and never visiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 101

By Anonymous - 29/07/2012 20:34 - United States - Johnston

Today, after a busy afternoon taking care of the kids, I was feeling really down about only being a mom these days, and I was hoping my husband would make me feel better when he got off work. In the middle of cuddling, he called me "mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 847

You deserved it 4 018

Same as "work", "boss" is also a four-letter word

By Scoopie - 15/03/2017 14:00

Today, my job offer from 2 weeks ago was rescinded. My "new boss" didn't like my last performance review. I'd spent 30 hours preparing a case study for the second interview. He wants me to be a "standup guy" and withdraw my application voluntarily, so HR doesn't have to get involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 349

You deserved it 352

By appaluver - 03/09/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house and accidentally blew out a candle that was supposed to be lit for seven days straight. It was in honor of her grandmother who had recently died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 783

You deserved it 14 798

By Username - 12/11/2010 14:46 - United States

Today, I contacted a girl who dropped her ID at a club last night. I offer to drive 2 hours to return her ID to her. She is thrilled. When I arrive, she gives me a strange look, takes the ID, and runs back into her house. A two hour drive without even a thank you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 335

You deserved it 13 743

By Anonymous - 01/07/2013 18:03 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 473

You deserved it 6 304

By failingdaily - 20/09/2014 02:27 - New Zealand - Paraparaumu

Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 071

You deserved it 4 039

By AussieG75 - 21/07/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Augustine

Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 425

You deserved it 2 557

No good deed and all that

By Sam - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Belgium

Today, on the way to an exam, I saw a car accident happen. I stopped, helped the woman who was injured, and waited for the paramedics. I was late to school, the teacher didn't buy my excuse, and I failed the exam. It was an exam to test my first aid skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 810

You deserved it 4 411

By Anonymous - 04/12/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 861

You deserved it 3 261

The reviews are in

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her Twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 678

You deserved it 3 037

Gamers CAN have a love life

By Anonymous - 04/03/2022 10:00

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because I was having an affair in The Elder Scrolls Online. While ranting to my online elf husband, he got upset that I had a real life boyfriend and dumped me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 286

You deserved it 1 901

By HiImAlfredo - 14/09/2014 18:47 - United States - Hampton

Today, I went deep-sea fishing with my friends. I told them my new phone case is waterproof, and I showed them by pouring a bit of water on it. My friend decided to throw it in the water for a better example. The case didn't float. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 101

You deserved it 7 425

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 820

You deserved it 8 693

By BigBadTron - 15/05/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year-old daughter out to eat. Halfway through our "date" she asks me loudly, "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 845

You deserved it 3 225

No sex for you

By Anonymous - 09/01/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, I realized that my fiancée is using our son to make sure we can't have sex. He's two years-old and hasn't once slept in his own bed or crib. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 241

By part time all the time - 23/06/2013 04:37 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I found out that my creepy neighbor paid a guy to install a camera in my bathroom. It's been there for three months. The guy he paid? My brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 426

You deserved it 3 414

You're not alone

By seachelle - 07/05/2019 20:00

Today, the guy I've been seeing posted on social media about having relationship problems and arguments with his girl. I've been in the hospital for surgery for the past few days and have been unable to talk to him. Before this, he told me I was the only one. Guess not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 004

You deserved it 139

Repent!

By Mauro - 22/03/2022 16:00

Today, I told my ultra-Catholic mother that I was hanging out with a girl. While walking out of the flat, I didn't realize that I'd dropped one of my condoms out of my pocket. My mother saw it and ripped it apart, then yelled at me that, "Sex is for having children! You're giving yourselves to Satan!" I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 322

You deserved it 359

By Anonymous - 10/07/2012 16:43 - Canada

Today, while I was walking home alone, a homeless man approached me and took me by the hand. Apparently, he's been watching me for weeks and has fallen madly in love with me. He told me not to worry, though, he's "not a rapist." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 313

You deserved it 2 467

By Trimacle - 24/08/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to the House of Horrors at Universal Studios. People dressed up as monsters would jump at us, and I was so freaked out that I tripped. My equally terrified mom fell on top of me. Frankenstein's monster was nice enough to ask us if we were alright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 598

You deserved it 15 834

Half man, half armchair

By Anonymous - 23/06/2023 15:00

Today, one of my kids thought it would be funny to superglue me to my armchair while I was asleep, except they’re idiots who used way too much. I am now fused to the cushions and had to call an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 154

Hangry

By emilyparker - 01/09/2014 02:55 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 830

You deserved it 5 253

By awk1 - 18/06/2013 00:55 - United States - Glennville

Today, I was packing up my stuff about to go home. I shut off my MacBook but was still pretending to work for the last few minutes, typing on the keyboard. A good way through, I realized my co-worker sitting across from me could see that the Apple logo was off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 234

You deserved it 47 282

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at the hospital and was sent home attached to an obnoxious and somewhat painful heart monitor. I felt fine and decided to go to a bonfire with a few friends. I thought everyone was being nice until I overheard the guys referring to me as an unattractive xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 335

You deserved it 3 322

By bezoar10 - 11/05/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, it's the five year anniversary of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 444

You deserved it 11 316

Asshats can be fathers too

By NotInTheMood - 14/03/2022 14:00

Today, my husband wants to leave me because I’m “taking too long” to recover from my C-section and he’s “tired of jerking off.” His logic is that he recovered in 6 weeks after he got 12 stitches on his leg, and, “I’ll be fine.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 548

You deserved it 176

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The Top

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 572

You deserved it 8 640

Today, I got two pieces of mail. One was a fine for not presenting my concession card to ticket inspectors on a train. The other was my concession card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 438

You deserved it 3 525

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 589

You deserved it 3 962

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 794

You deserved it 4 505

Today, I tried to contact a support group for parents of mentally ill adult children, because I’m at the end of my rope. Turns out there are none in my area and if I want one I’ll have to start it myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 115

Today, my wife is 20 weeks pregnant and today is the first day that my natural, clean scent makes her nauseous. We don’t have somewhere else I can sleep and we both work from home. Twenty more weeks to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 146