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Kids…

By guessimdead - 19/04/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 147

You deserved it 3 728

FML's Showdown #14

By Louis - 21/06/2017 21:30

Another stand off, pick your fave!

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 17:26 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 374

You deserved it 5 175

Messy girls

By tLee - 19/07/2011 04:04 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 561

You deserved it 4 571

Cough up!

By Anonymous - 23/09/2010 19:02 - Chile

Today, I gave my boss the paperwork to approve my commissions for the month. She wouldn't sign it, saying, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel that I've signed this before." She hasn't. I have no commission, and my boss is crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 734

You deserved it 2 496

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 01:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my little brother has been rubbing my toothbrush in dog shit for the last month because I accidentally broke one of his toys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 486

You deserved it 4 686

By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, my good buddy of about two years set me up on a blind date. I got to the meeting point and realized that my date was a guy. My "buddy" honestly thought I was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 022

You deserved it 4 495

Repeat offender

By Anonymous - 09/06/2022 02:00

Spicy

Today, I was the only family member available to take my grandad to hospital, after he fell on a bottle in the shower and got it stuck up his ass. Again. I swear we need to start monitoring him in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 263

You deserved it 163

By random - 29/04/2013 21:11 - Canada

Today, I was taking a dump in the bathroom. The lights turned off and I was too embarrassed to come out of the stall. The janitor walked in, turned the lights on and asked If anyone was there. I stayed quiet. He turned the lights back off and locked me in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 217

You deserved it 64 826

By the lannisters send their retards - 17/06/2014 20:30 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my coworker was telling me about his mom, when he asked about mine. I told him that I've never met my mom, because she died during my childbirth. It's a very painful subject for me, but all the same, my coworkers have decided they'll now only address me as "Tyrion". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 361

You deserved it 4 564

Doofus

By Coykoi - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 936

You deserved it 10 444

Nervous

By R…… - 28/10/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 696

You deserved it 61 855

By Anonymous - 15/06/2014 19:22 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 206

You deserved it 6 400

By sleepwalker - 14/09/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my math class. Turns out I sleep walk. I woke up at the front of the room with chalk in my hand, scribbles on the board behind me, and the whole class laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 647

You deserved it 8 434

By Anonymous - 30/07/2019 20:00

Today, my husband put up one of those sticky fly trap strips behind our toilet. I was tired and didn't notice it in the dark bathroom. I leaned back and it stuck in my hair. I didn't notice the dead flies in my hair until I went to buy lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 761

You deserved it 263

Not again!

By green and not with envy - 13/06/2014 20:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying, "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 810

You deserved it 5 806

Lookalikes

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 13:58 - Germany - Bruchsal

Today, my boyfriend told me that his daughter only liked me because she thought that we look like siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 98

By cockblocked - 11/05/2012 18:29 - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 920

You deserved it 23 976

By Kin - 25/10/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, a girl I've liked for several years gave me her number. Finally, I worked up the courage to call her. It was a suicide help line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 214

You deserved it 3 868

Creep

By Anonymous - 06/08/2019 04:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that the guy I've been anonymously sexting with through an adult website is the seriously creepy stalker-ish front desk worker from our office building, who also happens to be the building owner's son. Shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 2 031

By kevdev - 09/09/2010 19:58 - United States

Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 767

You deserved it 9 367

Babysitter blues

By UnpaidBabysitter - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Today, I was shut in a boiling hot room with six children: a ten year-old who kept shouting; a belligerent seven year-old; two five year-olds who thought hitting me was funny, and two two year-olds who wouldn't stop crying. Their parents were just outside, laughing away, ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 022

You deserved it 284

By LexiJ1 - 02/06/2014 12:00 - Australia

Today, I searched up ways to fix my eyebrows since they were so bushy and thick. I took my tweezers and set to work. It went to shit. So now, I have one completely straight eyebrow that makes me look like Bert from Sesame Street and another that's arched like Nina Dobrev's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 769

You deserved it 21 549

LexiJ1 tells us more.

LexiJ1 18

Tuesday 3 June 2014 4:27

Oh no I love the comments. You. Guys are actually kinda making me feel a little better. And I love the creativity!! I'm sorry for ruining my eyebrows but I'm not a Prick tyvm. Btw, I have school tomorrow....I can just imagine the round nicknames I'll get......-_-'

Whoops

By chubbs - 28/05/2014 21:07 - United States - Vacaville

Today, after waiting two hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 266

You deserved it 3 784

By Anonymous - 17/04/2013 05:39 - United States - Long Beach

Spicy

Today, at the exact moment that I leaned over to show my dad a picture on my phone, my boyfriend texted me: "I'm no weather man, but you can expect a few inches tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 427

You deserved it 13 989

Little tease

By pickles! - 03/06/2022 14:00

Today, I was at a friend's house teasing her with a pickle. She hates them so I thought it would be funny to pretend to deep throat it. Her dad came in and startled me so bad, I inhaled it. She had to call 911 while he performed the Heimlich maneuver. I’m no longer welcome back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 246

You deserved it 1 363

By NiquetChrome - 14/04/2013 23:18 - France

Spicy

Today, I borrowed my 23-year-old son's laptop. The sticky keyboard gave me a good idea of his browsing history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 116

You deserved it 14 111

By Nell - 30/06/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 465

You deserved it 37 422

By SmittyJA24 - 20/05/2014 02:38 - United States - Lewiston

Today, my idiot sister had to have her aged dog put down, then she posts on MY Facebook page, "RIP, Buddy, we'll miss you." My adult children and most of my friends thought I died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 869

You deserved it 4 757

By Anonymous - 22/08/2019 02:00

Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 395

You deserved it 246

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Wake up Messy DIY Embarrassing Awkward Love Cute Cheating Pregnancy Kids Family Money Birthday Cats Animals Kittens Dogs Parenting Crush Work Painful Sports Vacation Parents Babysitter AITA Friends Holidays Annoying

The Top

The Top

Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 378

You deserved it 1 934

Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 186

You deserved it 8 101

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 272

You deserved it 5 179

Today, I decided I would finally get up and weed our front yard. After a long couple of hours, I was hot and sweaty and decided to jump in the pool, with all my clothes on, just for fun. Right as I was in the air doing a cannon ball, my BlackBerry started to ring from my pocket... FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 751

You deserved it 57 289

Today, I was woken up by the sound of power tools at 6:30am. I stuck my head out my window and yelled at them to shut up. They didn't stop. I walked out the front door to find the bastard. It was firemen. They were sawing down the door of my neighbour's burning house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 082

You deserved it 73 881

Today, I realized how alone I truly was when I caught myself talking to a podcast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 447

You deserved it 336