The Top

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By wtf - 12/07/2009 16:20 - United States

Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was "Best positions for a small penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 092

You deserved it 14 528

By Anonymous - 20/01/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 938

You deserved it 14 158

Weird flex, but OK

By mrwilly - 02/01/2015 03:22 - United States - Corona

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 915

You deserved it 4 907

By Anonymous - 15/09/2013 21:16 - United States - Dover

Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 211

You deserved it 44 262

By Nico - 12/11/2011 15:42 - France

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 851

You deserved it 3 676

By Anonymous - 07/11/2011 00:26 - Reserved

Today, it's my 21st birthday. My parents' gift was a case of non-alcoholic beer, to "prepare" me for when I "turn 21." My parents can't even remember how old I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 971

You deserved it 2 421

News to me

By Anonymous - 01/07/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left ribcage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 458

You deserved it 7 416

By verbaltodomestic - 08/09/2013 19:31 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I took my girlfriend to a public place before confessing that I've been seeing another woman, to avoid a dramatic scene. After being rushed to the hospital with a concussion and broken nose, I think it's safe to say my plan didn't go very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 918

You deserved it 111 282

By biscuit - 07/01/2011 05:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 454

You deserved it 25 844

Unionize!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - West Hartford

Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 765

You deserved it 7 535

Scolded

By oopsies - 08/01/2010 01:07 - United States

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 119

You deserved it 5 480

By ima nerd - 25/12/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 325

You deserved it 5 872

By FullMonty - 15/09/2012 23:26 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my 2-year-old sister walked in on me while I was showering. She began to splash around in the toilet, and as I hastily jumped out to stop her, my brother and his friend got a good look as they walked past the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 114

You deserved it 4 005

By goodbye - 09/03/2009 00:45 - Canada

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 204

You deserved it 34 595

By Anonymous - 05/01/2017 11:20

Today, I found out what rotten cooked potato both smells and tastes like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 801

You deserved it 1 887

By Sky - 16/01/2017 22:00

Today, it's the 6th day that we have been snowed in. We haven't left the house, because we can't. I've done at least 30 hours of Legos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 049

You deserved it 664

By Shawna - 02/01/2010 01:19 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up for a New Year's party. When my parents and siblings left the house to their parties, I got undressed. I wasn't going to a party. I only got dressed up so my family would think I had plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 400

You deserved it 7 017

By sickday - 02/12/2018 17:30

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 983

You deserved it 279

Manchild

By IFailedasaparent - 24/01/2022 22:59

Today, my son broke up with his fourth girlfriend in a row, because, “all of them get those period things and it’s annoying as fuck.” He’s 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 592

By bglenney - 15/08/2013 09:47 - United States

Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 970

You deserved it 4 196

By Christopher - 13/12/2010 09:16 - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 852

You deserved it 6 195

Manage your way out of that one

By can't shut my mouth - 29/01/2017 00:00 - United States - Houston

Today, after a string of crappy employees had come and gone over the month, I was joking to my manager that maybe we should move the "Now Hiring" sign further away from the trash can so we'd stop getting garbage hires. The new girl was right behind me. I'll be her trainer all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 307

You deserved it 3 691

That's that then

By how bout no! - 31/01/2022 08:00

Today, the guy I’ve been seeing said he wanted us to get serious, but first we had to get his wife’s approval. Already taken aback by this, he further explained that his wife died years ago and he wanted me to go to her gravesite with a psychic so we could get her blessing via seance. Check please! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 409

You deserved it 178

By SimpleSwimmer - 04/10/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 044

You deserved it 3 279

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 16:09 - Guatemala

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 148

You deserved it 3 182

How's the project going?

By Lewis - 11/12/2018 18:00

Fine... I guess?

I agree, your life sucks 242

You deserved it 102

By Drunkard - 08/02/2017 09:54 - United States - Tracy

Today, my boyfriend gave me grief about my drinking. This would be fine, if he were sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 129

You deserved it 800

The Great Pretender

By CJune24 - 22/10/2014 21:24 - United Kingdom - Huddersfield

Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 575

You deserved it 5 462

By queenmabby - 16/01/2019 12:00

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 234

You deserved it 259

By Anonymous - 23/01/2019 04:00 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, the maintenance man for my apartment “fixed” my toilet from constantly running. Now it won’t flush. I learned this after I took a huge dump. My boyfriend was over to spend the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 194

You deserved it 253

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The Top

Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying, "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 737

You deserved it 3 051

Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we'd ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As I put my hand into his boxers, he stood up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 530

You deserved it 110 776

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 459

Today, I accidentally let one of my grandma's cats outside, so I tried to get her back in. Unfortunately, this proved to be very difficult, because this damn cat would wait for me to get near her, and as soon as I came close to picking her up, she would leap and run away, then wait for me again. Show-off bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 258

Today, it's been weeks since my teenage kids have walked the dog I got them; they also don’t play with it, pay it any attention, or feed it. It’s all been me, so since I never wanted it in the first place, I gave it to a friend of my mom's. My kids now think I’m the devil and my husband says I overreacted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 223

You deserved it 438

Today, I took a date to a new restaurant I’d never been to before. Wish I had been because it turns out two of my ex-girlfriends work there as waitresses. Luckily they were amicable break-ups, but it was still hella awkward every time they brought stuff to the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 156