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New laws

By Andrew - 23/08/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 254

You deserved it 6 414

Underperforming

By ThatIsNotIt - 24/01/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 473

You deserved it 195

Thank you for being a friend

By Anonymous - 13/05/2019 14:00

Today, it's my 21st birthday. The only person who drank with me was my elementary school principal, who I happened to run into at a bar where we were the only two people there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 970

You deserved it 206

By LolKaleb - 27/08/2014 03:02 - United States - Frisco

Today, as I got out the shower, my mom walked in to give me a towel, then quickly covered her eyes and said, "Woah, I almost saw your penis. Good things it's ridiculously small." I had friends over, and I'm pretty sure I'll hear about this for at least the next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 447

You deserved it 4 947

LolKaleb tells us more.

LolKaleb 14

Thursday 28 August 2014 20:19

It got posted yay. Well some were asking why I showered while friends were over. I had came from the gym and I left my door unlocked for them to come in since they were walking distance away. As I came back sweaty I decided to shower so I wouldn't ruin the couch. As I got out my mom came in to give me a towel since she didn't want me using my old one but she so happened to come in at the same time as me getting out the shower. My friends are still talking about it so yeah I have a good 2 or 3 weeks left before it's over.

Fright Night

By mzgabbster - 24/10/2010 12:21 - United States

Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 213

You deserved it 3 380

By DietKelp - 23/10/2015 10:30 - United States

Today, at work, I was fired from my job for being too "forward" to my boss. All I did was get him coffee and a biscuit from McDonald's to celebrate his 15-year anniversary working there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 608

You deserved it 2 037

By Anonymous - 09/08/2014 15:43 - India - Mumbai

Today, I found a piece of erotic fiction on my brother's computer. It involved two lesbian teenagers, who just so happened to have the same names and physical descriptions as my sister and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 774

You deserved it 4 566

Confused

By caseyl - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I was talking to a friend about the US presidential election and mentioned the UK. She got really confused and told me she'd always thought they were the same country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 320

You deserved it 730

caseyl tells us more.

caseyl 18

Saturday 10 December 2016 20:45

Finland. Can't blame the education, my friend is the kind that chooses to forget everything after passing the exams...

By ClutchJunkie - 05/12/2016 15:44

Today, my classic car that I've put hours of wrench time into burst into flames when I tried to start it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 184

You deserved it 1 217

By whiskey'swino - 09/06/2019 14:19

Today, while working in a dark nightclub, I dropped a red charger. Retracing my steps, I found it, or so I thought until I picked up a used tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 023

You deserved it 276

Uber awkward

By nitrok - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I started driving with Lyft to fill the time until my new job starts next month. During my very first fare, my car died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 755

You deserved it 545

By Anonymous - 06/07/2019 16:00

Today, I was hit with a sudden urge to shit. I knew it was going to be a bad one, so I ran out of the meeting. I made it to the toilet in time, but I forgot to lift the lid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 636

By still broke and jobless - 17/09/2015 20:24 - United States

Today, I saw a missed call on my phone. Thinking it was one of the multiple jobs I applied for, I called back. Turns out it was just a debt collector. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 885

You deserved it 2 565

By Username - 14/07/2019 20:00

Today, I learned that my 29-year-old boyfriend won't stay the night at my house because he lives at home with his parents and doesn't want to have "the discussion" with his mom about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 901

You deserved it 280

By Anonymous - 06/05/2013 08:35 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 702

You deserved it 6 607

By Anonymous - 27/06/2014 21:15 - Canada - London

Today, my son got a beating. Apparently, he went to a club, waited until he saw a couple of girls pulling a duckface for a photo, then rushed over and threw pieces of bread at them. Their boyfriends, not too surprisingly, didn't appreciate this. I had to drive the idiot home from the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 004

You deserved it 6 992

Egg mode

By Anonymous - 08/05/2022 02:00

Today, my wife got turned on by the muscular girl from the movie Encanto and asked me if I'd be willing to dress as her the next time we have sex. I love my wife and I enjoy sex as much as anyone, but she must have lost her mind if she thinks I'll wear a skirt so she can pretend I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 616

By Blue_Heart - 05/09/2015 18:47 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 900

You deserved it 1 974

By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - 04/09/2015 15:48 - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 410

You deserved it 1 626

By Anonymous - 21/06/2014 19:57 - Australia

Today, I stubbed the same toe three times in fifteen minutes. How? My sister moved most of the furniture in the house to the left by a few inches, because she thought it would be funny to watch me get confused and suffer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 571

You deserved it 7 122

Culture wars

By j1hill33 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy who yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 644

You deserved it 2 440

Not so white lie

By mintyfresh - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to lie to my dentist about how often I brush my teeth. I honestly don't remember the last time I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 348

You deserved it 121 386

By dmvsucks - 13/09/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I was at the DMV getting temporary tags for my new car. While waiting in line, a huge fat lady behind me felt the need to run her finger down the scar on the back of my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 650

You deserved it 3 098

By Aprilfools - 12/04/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years getting intimate with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138 132

You deserved it 7 975

About that raise…

By onlyolivia - 05/10/2016 14:43 - United States - Elkridge

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my boss why the flowers I got her for her birthday the other day were in the conference room and not her office. She told me she was allergic to them and she had such a bad reaction that it made her go home early. I made my boss sick on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 977

You deserved it 1 363

By jrad - 08/09/2010 19:23 - United States

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 860

You deserved it 3 555

By Kate - 29/04/2012 15:22 - United States - Concord

Today, I watched "Rain Man" with my family. The whole time they kept exclaiming, "Omigod! That's just like Kate!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 261

You deserved it 2 886

Mr Selfish

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 11:00

Today, it's the fifth time this week alone I've attempted to explain to my boyfriend that I need more than just two minutes of foreplay to get horny. He tells me he's too tired, but is apparently not too tired to receive head and then have sex afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 271

You deserved it 201

By jobless - 08/09/2016 18:18 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, after a month at my new job, my boss fired me because I didn't have enough experience. She hired me with full knowledge of this fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 988

You deserved it 939

Attraction

By Chelsea - 02/04/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 536

You deserved it 38 968

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, to save money, I tried following a YouTube tutorial to trim my beard myself. Halfway through, the clippers slipped, and now I have a huge chunk missing in the middle of my chin. I tried to even it out, but it just got worse. Now I look like I lost a fight with a Flymo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 220

You deserved it 363

Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 831

You deserved it 7 813

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 120

You deserved it 5 740

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 734

You deserved it 65 479

Today, after much self-doubt and awkwardness, I learned that I look amazing in a little black dress. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to tell my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 670

You deserved it 23 438

Today, we've been saving for months. I thought we were saving for a down payment. Apparently, to my wife, "down payment" means "Amazon Prime Day savings fund." We had over thirty grand, now we've got less than five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 164