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Wow-my 1st submission got posted! This was my classes senior year trip, and my mother was chaperoning... We didn't know the toe was broken until I got home, but the day was less exciting than I hoped it would be.

By DuckyDew - 16/08/2016 17:51 - United States - Aiken

Today, my boyfriend came home from a trip early without telling me. When I got to his house and saw his car there, I texted him and said, "Oh you asshole". About five minutes later, I got a text from my boss asking if that text was for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 975

You deserved it 5 041

DuckyDew tells us more.

DuckyDew 3

Thursday 18 August 2016 5:09

OP here. Just a few things I'd like to clarify: 1. We both live with our parents, and we have a dog together. I had been taking care of his dog while his parents were at work, before I had to go to work myself. He told me his mom rushed out of the house that morning without letting out our dog, and asked me to get there ASAP. So, when I got there, I saw he was home a few days earlier than anticipated. Turns out it was his way of surprising me, which was super sweet. 2. We're on a level where calling each other asshole, dick, and other such things is fine — it's more of a term of endearment at this stage. 3. I'm lucky enough that, once I explained to my boss what happened, he just laughed and told me to make good choices. Thank God for understanding bosses!

By anon - 03/08/2016 03:28

Today, I was working at the hospital and it was very busy. Unthinking, I told a patient in a wheelchair to "sit tight" while I checked on something. He mocked me for the rest of his stay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 176

You deserved it 2 557

By BrokeAndHungry - 24/07/2016 17:05 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 159

You deserved it 4 347

By wantedphantom - 09/07/2016 02:26

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 828

You deserved it 1 007

By srhoa01 - 05/07/2016 06:42

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 349

You deserved it 1 613

By Señor Guapo - 04/03/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 735

You deserved it 45 421

By Anonymous - 09/06/2016 23:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 709

You deserved it 2 285

By Lexxiluvstwat - 15/05/2018 20:30

Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 518

You deserved it 383

By hrs220 - 21/05/2016 21:55 - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 909

You deserved it 1 530

By Anonymous - 12/06/2018 09:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 724

You deserved it 207

By ChaosFerret - 03/05/2016 20:53 - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 687

You deserved it 2 123

By iliana74 - 20/04/2016 16:07 - United States - Hamilton

Today, a woman came up to me and sheepishly asked if my son is single. He's not my son, he's my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 989

You deserved it 2 260

Smooth.

By yosmurf - 13/08/2018 23:31

Today, I finished taking a huge dump at the public restroom at the mall. When I got up to wipe, my wrist clipped my butt and knocked my brand new Apple Watch into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 138

You deserved it 1 227

Painful relief

By Anonymous - 11/04/2016 07:25 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I tried to relieve my back pain by lounging in a jacuzzi at my mother's house. All was going well until I accidentally knocked an opened container of bath salts into the tub, which got sucked into the jet system, shooting tiny, sharp, barely dissolved pieces of salt into my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 576

You deserved it 3 405

By Joey - 26/08/2018 13:00

Today, I stepped outside my house for the first time in a year, trying to socialize again. I broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 687

You deserved it 325

Quickie

By tina - 22/11/2019 20:00

Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well… penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 778

You deserved it 418

By Anonymous - 14/09/2018 01:30

Today, I was texting with my childhood crush late at night and we were exchanging secrets. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell her about my long-standing crush on her. Turns out she's a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 788

You deserved it 359

By Anonymous - 09/10/2018 03:00

Today, I was cuddling with the girl I've been seeing for the past few months. She was saying how much she liked me and how much I meant to her. Reciprocating those feelings, I asked her to be my girlfriend. It was a HARD no for her. Then she drove me an hour and a half home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 288

You deserved it 311

Family guy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 998

You deserved it 1 341

Drama

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Brookhaven

Today, my 45-year-old child of a mother made such a dramatic scene over finding a hair in her food that the initially apologetic owners ended up kicking my family out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 745

You deserved it 1 594

By Anonymous - 12/02/2016 10:29 - United States - Palmer

Today, my mom told me she wasn't an alcoholic because she doesn't get "black out drunk" daily. She only gets drunk enough to slur her words and reek of alcohol daily, so it's okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 206

You deserved it 1 482

By littlekellilee - 05/11/2018 03:00

Today, I reached out to an old friend to ask how his battle with cancer is going. He responded by asking for boob pics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 731

You deserved it 378

Let him cook

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Woburn

Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 413

You deserved it 5 290

Nice, thanks

By sweetnan - 28/08/2013 01:29 - Chile - Santiago

Today, I finally accepted my grandma's friend request on Facebook. I commented on a family photo album she'd uploaded, joking that the quality would greatly improve once she added pictures of me. My comment was met with, "Shut up you sewage rat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 326

You deserved it 8 361

Stumped

By uneek14 - 23/06/2009 14:19 - Canada

Today, while reading some chemistry notes, I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say, "Ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 824

You deserved it 84 716

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I told my 8 year-old daughter that she looks a lot like mommy. Now she won't come out of her room because she thinks she's ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 966

You deserved it 6 295

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 150

You deserved it 151

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 438

You deserved it 5 233

Today, during an exam, the guy next to me tried to cheat by looking at my test but was caught by the proctor. His defense was that no one would ever cheat off me. The proctor agreed and allowed him to finish the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 578

You deserved it 6 295

These aren't beetles... This is Sparta!

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 123

Today, I thought I was home alone. Likewise, my visiting grandfather thought he was alone. You can imagine the mutual surprise when I caught him stealing money from my sister's bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 271

You deserved it 3 111