About vendretta : Echelon.
vendretta's FML badges
You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
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vendretta's favorite FMLs
Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML
by henhouse / 07/18/2015 at 7:09am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy
Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML
by Anonymous / 07/15/2015 at 12:29pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML
by Julianapilikusplatosophophes / 07/10/2015 at 11:49pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML
by wantmeasandwich / 07/10/2015 at 12:57pm / India (Maharashtra) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML
by matou / 07/09/2015 at 4:41pm / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Transportation
Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML
by Anonymous / 07/03/2015 at 4:51pm / United States / Kids
Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML
by oh no / 06/22/2015 at 4:58pm / United States (California) / Health
by fartypants / 06/18/2015 at 6:53pm / United States (Florida) / Work
by feels like an asshole / 06/09/2015 at 4:03pm / United States / Health
by Anonymous / 06/03/2015 at 6:15am / United States (Indiana) / Health
Today, while teaching my class, I hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML
by HiddlePuff / 05/14/2015 at 8:42am / Australia / Work
by waxer150 / 03/22/2015 at 6:32pm / United States (Ohio) / Work
by Fuck / 02/25/2015 at 4:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
by headache / 02/22/2015 at 8:41pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Milked Richard / 02/05/2015 at 11:14pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with… Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle… Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be…