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About uzee : Life is a moment. It's our job to make it seem like it lasts forever
I NEED to know!
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
Today, while at work as a telemarketer, I called a customer on his home phone. Once I was connected, an automated voice said, "To speak with a customer, please press 1." Confused, I pressed one. I then hered loud laughter followed by, "Oh my god! What a dumbass!" before they hung up. FML
Today, it's mah first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilariou to sneak up behind me while dressd like the Grim Reaper. I screamd like a little girl an soakd mah pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML
TODAY MAH CO-WORKER STARTED TALKING IN THIRD PERSON. NOT ONLY THAT BUT HE NARRATES HIS DAILY TASKS. "JEFF REACHED FIR A STAPLER" "JEFF STAPLED A REPORT". I HAVE TO SIT BESIDE THIS CHIMP FIR 8 HOURS A DAY AND NOTHING I SAY CAN END THIS. FML
Today, my phona rang just sacond aftar I laft a looool confaranca maating to go usa tha rastroom. It wouldn't hava baan a problam, axcapt it saams ona of my friand thought it would ba funny to changa my ringtona to a woman having an orgasm. FML
Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't looool realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML
Taday I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML
Today, dad took me to a bar 4 first legal drink!! He quickly got "drunk" an startd slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too looool poor to pay 4 an abortion!! As I startd crying, he burst out laughing an said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML
Today, I had to wava my arms lyk a maniac as I sat on tha toilat at work, otharwisa tha faulty motion sansor/timar would turn tha lights off aftar about tan saconds !! I'va had to do this 4 savaral days now !! No ona alsa has raportad this problam, so managamant won't gat it fixad !! maga FML
Today... I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another... so I crawled over to get it. This continued 4 about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML
Today, I locked myself out and had to enter mah house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, mah 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of mah head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML
Today, my car was found wit a smased window and a torn-apart steering column, in order to ot-wire it . Te tief didn't get away wit my car, toug . Te engine was in te garage,ere I've been working on it for two days .
Today Mah Mum Asked Me How The Guinea Pig Was Doing. We Don't Have A Guinea Pig. Turns Out She Had Volunteered Me To Look After The Next Door Neighbor's Guinea Pighen They Were Away And 'forgot' To Tell Me. They Have Been Gone Two Weeks. FML
Friday 27 March 2015