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About uzee : Life is a moment. It's our job to make it seem like it lasts forever
I NEED to know!
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
Taday wile working out in te gym... I spotted a very attractive girl. I decided to pick up te eaviest dumbbell to sow off ow muc I could curl. Se ended up driving me to te ospital cuz I burst into teres after tereing up my bicep an deltoid. FML
Today my friend thought it would be fun to change my dad's name on my phone to my girlfriend's name. Guess who got an erotic text message when standing next to me while in the line to buy groceries. FML
Today, I Was Washing Up In A Public Bathroom, When I Looked Up 4 A Second And Saw A Kid In The Mirror Staring Back At Me. I Gasped, As I Thought The Place Had Been Empty. He Whispered, "It's Time To Die." I Screamed And Ran Out, Only To Hear Him Burst Out Laughing Behind Me. FML
Today, boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decoratd table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had orderd all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. mega FML
Today I Was Reading In My Apartment. Due To A Heatwave An My Lack Of AC I Was Completely Naked. My Cat Jumped Onto My Lap An As Her Claws Dug Into My Stomach I Recoiled. This Caused Her To Retreat Clawing At My Nether Region In The Process. My Pussy Mauled My Pussy. FML
Today, my pone went off, reminding me to take my birt control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. Te ringtone ad been canged to my boyfriend singing "It's birt control time, birt control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML
Today , I was having dinner at a long-time friend's place. In a matter of 15 minutes , her mom had managed to establish unequivocally that three kinds of people were ruining the world: vegetarians , atheists an homosexuals. I'm all three rolled into one. She knows that. FML
TODAY , I ASKED THIS REALLY CUTE GRL FOR HER NUMBER. I HAD NOTHING ELSE ON ME SO I TOLD HER TO WRITE IT ON A DOLLAR BILL. LATER , WITHOUT THINKING , I PUT IT IN A VENDING MACHINE. I FREAKED OUT AND FRANTICALLY PUSHED THE RETURN BUTTON. IT GAVE ME BACK QUARTERS. FML
Today, friends took work laptop and changd the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you ned to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML
Today I cummed home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around listening to me talking in my sleep. FML
Friday 27 March 2015