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useyourbrainpls

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useyourbrainpls's favorite FMLs

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

#20079438
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28944) - you deserved it (3008)

On 09/19/2012 at 4:22pm - love - by Shame (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

#20069142
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9898) - you deserved it (28091)

On 09/12/2012 at 5:58pm - intimacy - by bruisedego31 (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML

#20068526
206 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44557) - you deserved it (3887)

On 09/12/2012 at 3:00am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

#20062588
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13323) - you deserved it (28762)

On 09/08/2012 at 12:03am - intimacy - by sasquatch (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

#20062588
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13323) - you deserved it (28762)

On 09/08/2012 at 12:03am - intimacy - by sasquatch (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

#20062588
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13323) - you deserved it (28762)

On 09/08/2012 at 12:03am - intimacy - by sasquatch (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML

#20052962
178 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19330) - you deserved it (46986)

On 09/01/2012 at 7:14pm - intimacy - by WhyAppleWhy (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML

#20052579
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33008) - you deserved it (10265)

On 09/01/2012 at 1:56pm - intimacy - by thewhompingwillow (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I was playing with my vibrator. I was getting close when all of a sudden it short-circuited and made a sound like a laughing clown, scaring me half to death. FML

Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush the toilet downstairs halfway through, which sent scalding-hot water all up in my privates. I've yet to find a comfortable sitting position. FML

#20046536
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16438) - you deserved it (38316)

On 08/28/2012 at 5:22pm - intimacy - by Bethany (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush the toilet downstairs halfway through, which sent scalding-hot water all up in my privates. I've yet to find a comfortable sitting position. FML

#20046536
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16438) - you deserved it (38316)

On 08/28/2012 at 5:22pm - intimacy - by Bethany (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

#20042115
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34556) - you deserved it (3276)

On 08/26/2012 at 1:46am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, I took my puppy for a walk around town. I had to stop and explain to several people that yes, his head was purple because my little sister wanted to make him look like a Na'vi from Avatar. FML

#20041954
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17297) - you deserved it (2054)

On 08/26/2012 at 12:18am - misc - by AmyLeigh - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I had a hard time taking a dump. Before flushing, I noticed two pennies and a dime incrusted in my turd. It seems that yesterday, while drunk, I swallowed some change. FML

Today, my boyfriend confided to me that he has a used condom collection. When I reacted with disgust, he "reassured" me that he only keeps the ones he uses with me. FML

#20036074
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28467) - you deserved it (2503)

On 08/22/2012 at 6:22pm - intimacy - by WTF (woman) - Canada (Ontario)



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  • Everybody's talking about Ebola at the moment. I have trouble keeping up with the latest trends. I'm going to wait until Christmas and see what special offers turn up in the shops, under funky new names…

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