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twg11290

Offline (the 08/29/2014 at 5:12pm) | Search for a member

twg11290

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  • Number of visits : 709
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  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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twg11290's page activity

Visits<b>Wizardo</b> - the 06/07/2013 at 3:55pm

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50 favourites

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twg11290's favorite FMLs

Today, as I was walking downstairs to get breakfast, I saw my parents had decided to have a quickie on the couch. I had to awkwardly stand out of sight on the stairs, too scared to go down, or even back up, because our stairs creak. FML

Today, my spouse asked me if I could transfer some of the passion I have for buffalo wings into our relationship. FML

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

#20829995
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59230) - you deserved it (5419)

On 08/10/2013 at 12:02am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend was suspended from work after she was caught fucking one of her co-workers. FML

#20827542
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61483) - you deserved it (4594)

On 08/08/2013 at 4:20pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Slough)

Today, in the middle of examining me, my gynecologist suddenly took a sharp intake of breath and vomited on the floor. FML

#20826932
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56416) - you deserved it (15905)

On 08/08/2013 at 7:10am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - Latvia (Jelgavas)

Today, my mum picked up a bunch of tissues that were scattered around my room. She examined them, then asked me to stop wasting her potential grandchildren. FML

#20825949
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49375) - you deserved it (40384)

On 08/07/2013 at 6:24pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Egypt

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

#20825248
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45717) - you deserved it (4358)

On 08/07/2013 at 8:24am - misc - by noiguessitsbroken :( (woman) - Lithuania (Kauno Apskritis)

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML

#20807595
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58935) - you deserved it (8471)

On 07/28/2013 at 3:45am - intimacy - by microlovin (man) - United States (California)

Today, one of my cats gave birth. My other cat responded by eating the new litter in a jealous rage, then got indigestion and vomited. I had to clean up regurgitated kittens. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML

#20788139
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66675) - you deserved it (3868)

On 07/17/2013 at 10:20am - misc - by ilivehere (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

#20787584
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56353) - you deserved it (6675)

On 07/17/2013 at 12:48am - animals - by anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

#20787181
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40757) - you deserved it (8457)

On 07/16/2013 at 9:55pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

#20786212
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57047) - you deserved it (8078)

On 07/16/2013 at 12:06pm - love - by ronnieG (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

#20786268
181 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44258) - you deserved it (32385) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 07/16/2013 at 9:18am - health - by Aliiiice (woman) - France (Haute-Normandie)

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

#20786059
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45305) - you deserved it (13451)

On 07/16/2013 at 9:12am - misc - by TNDriver (man) - United States (Tennessee)



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