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turtlemanz

Offline (the 08/17/2014 at 5:15pm) | Search for a member

turtlemanz

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  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Monday 23 December 1996 (17 years)
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 936
  • Number of comments : 26
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 9 posted

About turtlemanz : Canadian

turtlemanz's page activity

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turtlemanz's favorite FMLs

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

#19810073
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42800) - you deserved it (3917)

On 06/18/2012 at 11:33pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML

#19587881
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22843) - you deserved it (2170)

On 05/07/2012 at 4:43pm - kids - by lon01t (woman) - United Kingdom (Falkirk)

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

#19059244
220 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9697) - you deserved it (73803)

On 02/12/2012 at 7:01pm - misc - by Alyssa - United States

Today, I sat in my boss' office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML

#19042299
200 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8563) - you deserved it (65178)

On 02/10/2012 at 4:33pm - work - by great - United States

Today, it was my first time having sex with this guy. After a few second he stops, sits in the corner of his room buff-naked, with his knees up and his hands on his face. He then pouts and claims it was his worst performance ever. FML

#18966700
161 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28980) - you deserved it (3586)

On 02/01/2012 at 3:19am - intimacy - by crybaby - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

#18374141
159 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28557) - you deserved it (8612)

On 11/28/2011 at 7:34am - misc - by Dani - Reserved

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML

#18069827
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28897) - you deserved it (3021)

On 10/25/2011 at 1:58am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

#17981940
253 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44836) - you deserved it (5029)

On 10/14/2011 at 12:11pm - kids - by MLGreco - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

#17779717
425 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54819) - you deserved it (5408)

On 09/19/2011 at 10:39am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

#17767423
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29438) - you deserved it (8236)

On 09/17/2011 at 9:20pm - kids - by awesomekidsmum - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

#17564993
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37247) - you deserved it (3275)

On 08/24/2011 at 1:28am - misc - by skichick54 - United States (Washington)

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

#17457165
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17743) - you deserved it (32088)

On 08/13/2011 at 2:51am - kids - by brittbrat4 - United States (Florida)

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

#17455521
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37957) - you deserved it (14320)

On 08/13/2011 at 12:06am - love - by sydneybourgeois - United States (Texas)

Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

#17431437
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27797) - you deserved it (2624)

On 08/10/2011 at 5:37pm - misc - by jakethed0g (woman) - United Kingdom (Coventry)

Today, my elderly father-in-law grabbed my breasts in the pool at a family gathering. I'd let it go as an accident if this wasn't the 4th time it happened today. FML

#16002585
269 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51817) - you deserved it (4981)

On 05/01/2011 at 10:30am - intimacy - by nothanks - United States (Texas)



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