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thievingbird's favorite FMLs
Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML
by Anonymous / 07/22/2010 at 8:39pm / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Intimacy
by alejandro38 / 07/11/2010 at 10:44am / United States (New York) / Work
by drsyl54 / 03/28/2010 at 5:04am / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 3:06am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
by Jen / 12/01/2009 at 12:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML
by Anonymous / 11/24/2009 at 12:57am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML
by ItsFunnyNow / 10/22/2009 at 12:07am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML
by WOCOACH / 09/09/2009 at 3:33pm / United States (Florida) / Kids
by urmommmm / 08/22/2009 at 12:25pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML
by Anonymous / 08/01/2009 at 12:32am / United States (New York) / Animals
Today, my little 7 and 6 year old cousins came visit my family home. I heard the oldest one say that my sister was nice and pretty. Then the youngest replied "Yeah, but the older one has the face of a murderer." FML
by BadMurderer / 07/31/2009 at 12:01am / Mexico (Tabasco) / Kids
Today, my little brother texted me informing me that our father has "become a nudist" since returning home from a month-long trip abroad. I thought he was joking or exaggerating, but when I went over to say hi, the first thing I saw upon walking through the door was my dad's droopy ball sac. FML
by mubaki / 07/24/2009 at 1:07pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Transportation
Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML
by boinger / 06/03/2009 at 1:23am / United States (California) / Love
Today, while working at my tanning salon, a woman came in and I put her in a booth, which are all stand up. After she comes out, I go in to clean it and realize that floor is all wet. I questioned her about it and she replies, "Oh, I peed, that's not a drain?". FML
by lover21 / 05/08/2009 at 7:17pm / United States (New York) / Work
- Today, I went to Walmart with a friend of mine to buy some chips and drinks. As we were leaving the… Today, I got pizza on the way home from a night out after a few beers and not eating all day. I got… Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to marry me. 20 minutes later he said "never mind, I want to…