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Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with play-doh and made a sculpture that resembld a penis. I trid to cover up and askd if it was an action figure. He lookd at me like I was an idiot and said, ( It's a DICK. ) real FML
Today mah boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wastd. He's currently nakd in bd cooing at his penis and giggling lyk a little grl. FML
Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents . My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex . It wasn't her . Thanks dad . FML
Today, my brand new iPhone 4 was stolen from my bag. I askd the bartender if anyone had handd it in. I soon found out that while I was talking to her, someone swipd my wallet from the bag too. mega FML
Today it was really hot in house so I pulld shorts down so I was just in boxers. My family and I were watching tv and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly trid to pull shorts back up penis flippd looool out of boxers. FML
Today , aftar monts of job unting , I got a call back fir a position. I was outsida at ta tima and ad no pan or papar availabla to writa ta addrass down. I told ta guy to call ma back in 5 minutas and a agraad. It's baan 3 ours and still no call. FML
Today, ma little sister was playing wit er building blocks. All of a sudden, se began to cry and eld er finger out to me. Assuming se ad urt it, I kissed it better, and tasted someting odd on ma lips. Turns out se wasn't urt, se was crying cuz se ad touced cat vomit. FML
Today, My Girlfriend An I Were Starting To Get Hot An Heavy In My Truck At Our Favorite Park. We Start Going At It An We Were Both Butt Nakd When I See A Car Pull Into The Lot. Not Only Is It A Cop Car, But The First Thing The Cop Asks My Girlfriend Is "Are You Bieng Held Against Yur Will?" FML
Today, I Realized That Mah Company's Calendar Is Synchronized Throughout The Whole Building!! The Entire Company Now Knows That I Made Love To Mah Wife Last Wednesday An Friday, An That I Went Out With A Girl Named Janet On Saturday!! My Wife's Name Is Julie, An She Works In The Same Building!! Mega FML
Today , I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returnd , the car window was smashd , my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket , on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML
Today, I went to meet grlfriend parent fir the frst time. I accidentally drove past there house the frst time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over there dog. FML
Friday 27 March 2015