About itsalanis : I'm Alan. Some people like to call me Alanis instead.
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100 kick ass comments
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Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she said I was more of a woman than she was. I yelled out, "I HATE YOU!" and started to cry. She then took a tampon out of her purse, handed it to me, laughed, and walked away. FML
I agree, your life sucks (13548) - you deserved it (52559)
On 07/24/2010 at 6:53am - misc - by GirlishMan1883897 (man) - United States (Connecticut)
Today, I accidentally filled the lemonade machine with margarita mix that already had the tequila mixed in. It was served to three kids before anyone figured it out. FML
I agree, your life sucks (8495) - you deserved it (26530)
On 07/13/2010 at 10:10pm - work - by magnolia (woman) - United States (Tennessee)
Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML
I agree, your life sucks (25205) - you deserved it (3807)
On 07/12/2010 at 4:28am - misc - by Wrongtoilet (man) - Singapore
Today, I was walking around in the mall when I dropped my purse. When I bent down to pick it up, some guy came up behind me, humped my ass, then ran away laughing. FML
I agree, your life sucks (51567) - you deserved it (9917)
On 06/24/2010 at 8:45pm - intimacy - by WorstLifeEver - United States
Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML
I agree, your life sucks (15001) - you deserved it (44116)
On 06/22/2010 at 9:41pm - health - by fartwoman - United States (California)
Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML
I agree, your life sucks (36082) - you deserved it (5061)
On 06/06/2010 at 2:31pm - kids - by Annakins (woman) - United States (Missouri)
Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML
I agree, your life sucks (38379) - you deserved it (19508)
On 06/03/2010 at 2:58pm - intimacy - by Allie - United States (Illinois)
Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. FML
I agree, your life sucks (41553) - you deserved it (7654)
On 03/27/2010 at 4:26am - intimacy - by pumpkinlover89 - United States (California)
Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33049) - you deserved it (6591)
On 03/15/2010 at 7:22pm - love - by Satan (woman) - United States (Washington)
Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door, and turned the handle, this little old lady rips the door open and goes "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20512) - you deserved it (2793)
On 03/06/2010 at 9:38pm - misc - by bathroomblunder (woman) - Canada (Manitoba)
Today, I had just finished riding my bike when I ran into the girl I am secretly in love with. While I walked over to her I got an erection through my spandex biking shorts. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14325) - you deserved it (7104)
On 02/28/2010 at 9:15pm - intimacy - by hornyloser770 - Sent from mobile version
Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML
I agree, your life sucks (30081) - you deserved it (2503)
On 02/13/2010 at 11:08am - animals - by Dog fart - United States
Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML
I agree, your life sucks (5373) - you deserved it (17137)
On 02/05/2010 at 1:18am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML
I agree, your life sucks (4209) - you deserved it (18184)
On 01/31/2010 at 7:21pm - animals - by saintmichi (woman) - Poland (Malopolskie)
Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML
I agree, your life sucks (5221) - you deserved it (21054)
On 01/31/2010 at 1:37pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)
Monday 20 May 2013
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