About itsalanis : I'm Alan. Some people like to nickname me Alanis instead.
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You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
Why am I up so early?
You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
itsalanis's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 09/02/2012 at 7:47pm / United States / Intimacy
by Geckosrock99 / 08/30/2012 at 10:45pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML
by Anonymous / 08/26/2012 at 10:56pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML
by Anonymous / 08/26/2012 at 7:39pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML
by ewww / 08/26/2012 at 5:21am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML
by Anonymous / 08/23/2012 at 12:50pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals
by Anonymous / 08/21/2012 at 1:39pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
by lonelygirl / 08/17/2012 at 7:33pm / United States (Utah) / Animals
by scarredforlife / 08/16/2012 at 12:05am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend I love her and that I never want us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to the bathroom. FML
by Anonymous / 08/14/2012 at 8:12pm / United States / Love
Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML
by kherien / 08/12/2012 at 1:31pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by blakeintheoffice / 08/08/2012 at 9:53am / United States / Work
Today, I decided to have some fun by joining a Harry Potter forum and making a thread saying it's all for little kids. When I checked back later, my post had been edited into me tearfully coming out of the closet, and some guy had said he'd passed my details on to Anonymous. FML
by icybrent94 / 08/05/2012 at 4:21pm / United Kingdom (Bedfordshire) / Geek
Today, I was rotated to the graveyard shift at my job. My only co-worker is a twenty-something Paris Hilton wannabe who won't shut up about her belief that she's the reincarnation of Whitney Houston. FML
by bellsucker / 08/04/2012 at 6:15pm / Australia (Victoria) / Work
Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML
by opinaise / 08/02/2012 at 9:00am / France (Midi-Pyrenees) / Love