About itsalanis : I'm Alan. Some people like to call me Alanis instead.
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Perfectionist
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Today, I came home to find my girlfriend crying. Concerned, I quickly asked her what was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understand why her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet, and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now, but for entirely different reasons. FML
I agree, your life sucks (31165) - you deserved it (3351)
Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23409) - you deserved it (2074)
On 01/13/2013 at 10:00pm - misc - by anon - United States (Ohio)
Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML
I agree, your life sucks (25427) - you deserved it (3288)
On 01/08/2013 at 12:10pm - misc - by troll of a gran - United States (Oklahoma)
Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML
I agree, your life sucks (25401) - you deserved it (6397)
On 12/17/2012 at 6:12pm - misc - by Ape (woman) - United States
Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML
I agree, your life sucks (28605) - you deserved it (8160)
On 12/16/2012 at 7:58pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States
Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time; he asked me to explain my interest in dating her. In a mix of me trying to say "I want to be with your daughter" and "I want to be in your daughter's life" I got confused and said, "I want to be in your daughter." FML
I agree, your life sucks (25656) - you deserved it (5292)
On 12/10/2012 at 2:21am - love - by Tonguetied0496 (man) - United States (California)
Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16555) - you deserved it (1147)
On 12/03/2012 at 2:36am - misc - by poopsthegame - United States (Hawaii)
Today, my boss told me to cut my long hair. After coming back to work with a clean cut hairstyle, he apparently thought I was the new guy, and said I was going to be trained by "The long-haired girly-looking idiot." FML
I agree, your life sucks (17705) - you deserved it (2317)
On 11/14/2012 at 1:10pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20426) - you deserved it (1706)
On 11/08/2012 at 11:54pm - misc - by Targeted - United States (Washington)
Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14044) - you deserved it (1835)
On 10/26/2012 at 3:23am - misc - by Anonymous - Australia (New South Wales)
Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML
I agree, your life sucks (18847) - you deserved it (4575)
On 10/17/2012 at 12:45am - misc - by Holy Testacles (man) - United States
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and best friend making out. His explanation was that he was trying to stop her from having an allergic reaction to peanut butter. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19897) - you deserved it (1281)
On 10/15/2012 at 8:04pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Virginia)
Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am beyond terrified. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16727) - you deserved it (1171)
On 09/29/2012 at 8:11pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Colorado)
Today, I walked in to my apartment to see my husband sitting there with his toes painted pink. When I asked him why, he said, "I wanted to feel pretty." This is the man who is about to be the father of my child. FML
I agree, your life sucks (11893) - you deserved it (5363)
On 09/26/2012 at 10:14pm - love - by cmc9540 (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML
I agree, your life sucks (15436) - you deserved it (924)
On 09/25/2012 at 7:20pm - misc - by PerpetuallyHappy (woman) - United States (New York)
Monday 20 May 2013
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