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father_metal

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father_metal's favorite FMLs

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

#19959363
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10688) - you deserved it (36778)

On 07/19/2012 at 2:55pm - misc - by Bontempi (man) - France

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML

#19950905
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23637) - you deserved it (3267)

On 07/17/2012 at 5:11pm - love - by Alliente - United States

Today, I gave up smoking. A few hours later, I caught myself daydreaming about brutally killing a guy that gave me a mean look at the bus. Maybe I should go back to smoking. FML

#19949441
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21003) - you deserved it (4905)

On 07/17/2012 at 9:54am - health - by Anonymous - Greece (Attiki)

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

#19939596
352 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33704) - you deserved it (39180)

On 07/15/2012 at 1:34am - intimacy - by oops - United States

Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

#19936728
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18255) - you deserved it (4394)

On 07/14/2012 at 10:43am - health - by Anonymous - Japan (Tokyo)

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

#19932634
170 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25380) - you deserved it (2851)

On 07/13/2012 at 1:08pm - kids - by Marjorie (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

#19932233
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8525) - you deserved it (22458)

On 07/13/2012 at 11:19am - misc - by HellisLikeTheDMV (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, my brother was playing with the pepper spray on my key chain. He didn't think it was real, so to test it he sprayed me in the mouth while I was asleep. FML

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

#19920264
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23541) - you deserved it (1496)

On 07/10/2012 at 7:26pm - misc - by Deadcat101 - Canada (Manitoba)

Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

#19914147
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19818) - you deserved it (10609)

On 07/09/2012 at 11:09am - love - by randomguy (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML

#19913255
260 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25883) - you deserved it (3542)

On 07/09/2012 at 3:31am - kids - by LNamesOnly (man) - Australia

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

#19909832
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19582) - you deserved it (3722)

On 07/08/2012 at 2:32pm - work - by a4rk (man) - Malaysia (Sarawak)

Today, I watched as my dad noticed a spider on the ceiling. Instead of getting a shoe, he pulled out a 9mm and shot it. I'm not sure if this is an epic win or a sign that my family is crazy. FML

#19903364
317 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29802) - you deserved it (3567)

On 07/07/2012 at 2:10am - misc - by kalikanna - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my boyfriend came to a family barbecue. I guess my dad heard him talking about the "fun" we'd be having later, because over the following two hours, he tripped my boyfriend up on concrete, threw a beer can at him, and sprayed him full-force with a water hose. All "accidentally" of course. FML

#19901144
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19255) - you deserved it (6541)

On 07/06/2012 at 5:30pm - misc - by :$ (woman) - United States

Today, my over-protective husband went into an extreme fit of jealousy at the sight of me breast-feeding our newborn baby boy. He's trying to make me bottle-feed our boy, because apparently it's "wrong" to let another guy touch my boobs. FML

#19900187
327 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40636) - you deserved it (4180)

On 07/06/2012 at 1:44pm - love - by wife of a shithead (woman) - Norway (Oslo)



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