About cognauticcreix : I'm still figuring out what anyone would actually give a shit about in one of these things.
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cognauticcreix's favorite FMLs
by Read The Fine Print / 11/24/2012 at 12:55am / United States (California) / Transportation
Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML
by Anonymous / 11/22/2012 at 1:50am / United States / Work
Today, I was messing around with my wife. I grabbed her boobs and said, "Honk honk". Unbeknownst to me, my daughter saw it. Now my 3-year-old girl runs around honking everyone. Even her grandparents. FML
by piemasterzim / 11/21/2012 at 8:20pm / Canada / Kids
Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her room. She said she'd only agree if she could kill me. Thinking she was just kidding around, and not a total psychopath, I said sure. She ran to her room shouting, "Yes! I'm gonna use the big knife!" She's still cleaning now. FML
by anon / 11/21/2012 at 2:34pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
Today, the car in front of me in the drop-off area at my son's school parked, and the driver got out. I basically leaned on my horn and gave her every dirty look in the book. She said nothing but stared at me as she opened the back of her van to unload her child's wheelchair. I'm an asshole. FML
by AHole / 11/21/2012 at 9:03am / United States (North Dakota) / Transportation
Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML
by Dead_Fox / 11/21/2012 at 12:48am / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy
Today, a nearby volcano erupted for the second time. We were all urged to keep our windows and doors closed in case of ash clouds. My father responded by opening every window and door and shouting, "Come at me, bro!" FML
by vanillatwilight2 / 11/20/2012 at 11:50pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous
by they've been broken up for a year. / 11/19/2012 at 2:13am / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, I witnessed a robbery as a teenager ran out of a Walgreens with stolen goods in his hands. The manager was running after him. Trying to be helpful, I pulled forward to block the thief from getting away. The cops showed up and arrested me for hitting a pedestrian. FML
by ausmill12 / 11/19/2012 at 1:18am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
by besviken / 11/18/2012 at 5:53pm / Sweden (Uppsala Lan) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 11/18/2012 at 7:13am / United States (New York) / Love
by Anonymous / 11/15/2012 at 9:54am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
by duhasiangirl / 11/14/2012 at 7:48pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health
Today, my brother decided to join me on my first date. Not only did he answer the door with a bat, he also got inside the car and sat next to my date, pushing me to the back. He stayed the entire time, and walked me back to the house. My mom laughed and gave him $20. It was a dare. FML
by Mmkay1515 / 11/12/2012 at 10:47pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
by poserpilot / 11/12/2012 at 10:10am / United States (California) / Health
- Today, I’m a French teacher abroad, and as my beard has a huge hole near my chin, my students call… Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish… Today, after shaking my boss's hand, I noticed that he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to one of…