About cjon : Hate life
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cjon's favorite FMLs
Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML
by eddie818 / 06/10/2012 at 3:54am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/09/2012 at 12:51am / United States (Mississippi) / Love
Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML
by SprinklerDodger / 06/08/2012 at 7:54pm / Denmark (Syddanmark) / Love
Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML
by Anonymous / 06/07/2012 at 1:41pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
by ilovemymomma / 05/26/2012 at 3:15am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by lspicknall / 05/12/2012 at 2:41am / United States (Wisconsin) / Health
by BTM13 / 05/05/2012 at 11:19pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, after years of secretly faking my orgasms, my husband gave me my first real one. Afterward was also the first time he ever accused me of faking it because, "It was different from all the other times." FML
by anonomous / 04/07/2012 at 11:27am / United States / Intimacy
by Badchristian / 04/05/2012 at 12:17am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 04/02/2012 at 8:32pm / United States (Texas) / Health
Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML
by Anonymous / 03/09/2012 at 5:36pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on in a water park changing stall. A woman and a security guard barged in and angrily told us that there were children around. We were escorted out of the park wearing nothing but our swimsuits. FML
Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML
by KidJwal / 02/28/2012 at 12:10pm / United States / Transportation
Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML
by fmlsomuch / 02/25/2012 at 3:51pm / Japan / Miscellaneous
by Courtney / 02/04/2012 at 3:22pm / Reserved / Miscellaneous
- Today, after finally learning to love my nose, my aunt gave me a list of plastic surgeons to check… Today, I was in a cabin retreat with my fraternity brothers. My girlfriend sent me a sexy picture,… Today, I am at work as a programmer. It's 32°C/90°F outside and my coworker needs to have 3 desktop…