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chaos212's favorite FMLs
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary. Mid-way through the meal, a guy at the table across left for the restroom. My girlfriend reached over and swiped the guy's wallet from the table. My gonads went AWOL, and I couldn't even bring myself to call her out on it. FML
by mark / 03/05/2012 at 5:55pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML
by Alfie4 / 03/05/2012 at 5:30pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy
Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML
by Anonymous / 03/05/2012 at 11:36am / United Kingdom (Gateshead) / Work
Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML
by DamnDogs / 03/05/2012 at 5:28am / Canada / Miscellaneous
by cero_kewl / 03/05/2012 at 12:12am / United States / Work
by wtbfiber / 03/05/2012 at 12:12am / United States / Health
by Anonymous / 03/04/2012 at 7:59pm / Australia / Miscellaneous
by stuff2710 / 03/04/2012 at 7:27pm / United States (Illinois) / Money
Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML
by Anonymous / 03/04/2012 at 5:20pm / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous
Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML
by Hannah / 03/04/2012 at 3:46pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, I sneezed while at the office. I felt snot shoot out, but I couldn't see anything on the tissue. I ignored it and went on with my day. When I went to the bathroom hours later, I noticed a huge wad of snot had dried onto the front of my shirt. No one told me about it. FML
by breebree-0 / 03/04/2012 at 2:36pm / United States (California) / Health
by raven_teen_titan / 03/04/2012 at 12:51am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML
by Autocorrected / 03/04/2012 at 12:02am / Philippines (Bulacan) / Love
Today, I went to a Mexican restaurant with my family. I got stuck trying to decide whether I should get the fajitas or the tacos. I ended up getting the tacos because I didn't want the fajitas to come in sizzling, and I didn't want to "make a scene". My social anxiety has hit a new low. FML
by mexicandelicacy / 03/03/2012 at 10:09pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I was craving a bean & cheese burrito. After trying to forget about burritos for half of the… Today, a customer bitched at me in front of her children for 10 minutes because I wouldn't open the… Today, at 34 weeks pregnant I peed myself while brushing my teeth, not more than a minute earlier I…
- Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish… Today, I told my son off because he lost a form. A form that I later found in my right-hand pocket.… Today, my boyfriend whispered to me, “I’m so tired of these fucking mosquitos.” When I asked why he…