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carlgl

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carlgl's favorite FMLs

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

#20482645
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25953) - you deserved it (3205)

On 01/28/2013 at 3:14am - misc - by Creeped out (man) - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML

#20482358
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49294) - you deserved it (13932)

On 01/28/2013 at 12:03am - intimacy - by yourmainman (man) - Canada

Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML

#20481338
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26384) - you deserved it (2957)

On 01/27/2013 at 1:50pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, the rollercoaster I was on stuck upside down for a few minutes. I shat myself in terror. Then, gravity took effect. FML

#20480979
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40177) - you deserved it (9575)

On 01/27/2013 at 6:10am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I decided to change my hair color. After waiting in anticipation, I took a shower to rinse out the dye and reveal my new, blue hair. Rinsing revealed not only blue hair, but blue skin caused by the watered dye running over my body. I now look like a smurf, and it's not coming out. FML

#20480724
271 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17634) - you deserved it (38182)

On 01/27/2013 at 1:10am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Arkansas)

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML

#20480710
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29885) - you deserved it (3457)

On 01/27/2013 at 1:03am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Georgia)

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

#20480699
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31915) - you deserved it (3323)

On 01/27/2013 at 12:57am - love - by pdub523 - United States (Texas)

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

#20480667
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30272) - you deserved it (17036)

On 01/27/2013 at 12:38am - misc - by LucidNightmare - United States (Colorado)

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

#20480640
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29234) - you deserved it (4184)

On 01/27/2013 at 12:23am - health - by crippled shopper - United States (Illinois)

Today, I heard an owl near my house. I got excited, as they are not common in the area, and I listened intently to try and locate the source of the sound. After a few minutes, I realized I was not listening to an owl, but to my mother's sex noises. FML

#20480168
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45662) - you deserved it (4737)

On 01/26/2013 at 6:50pm - intimacy - by movingout - Australia (Victoria)

Today, during lunch, my coworker offered me her food, claiming she was full. I was still quite hungry, so I accepted it. Halfway through eating the sandwiches, my boss walked in and started interrogating people over who took his lunch. I quickly realized I was the one eating it. FML

#20479916
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31856) - you deserved it (3557)

On 01/26/2013 at 3:44pm - work - by FUCK THE PIGS (man) - United States (California)

Today, I told my boyfriend about my upcoming mouth surgery. He freaked out. Not because he's worried about me, but because I told him I will not be able to give him head for two weeks. FML

Today, I came home to find two letters from a publishing house that I'd submitted my manuscript to. The first was congratulatory, stating that my book had been accepted for publishing. The second was apologetic, stating that the first letter had been intended for someone else. FML

#20479103
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31978) - you deserved it (1961)

On 01/26/2013 at 1:14am - work - by strugglingartist (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

#20479024
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33475) - you deserved it (2120)

On 01/26/2013 at 12:14am - misc - by Sarah - United States

Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML

#20478409
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37239) - you deserved it (5432)

On 01/25/2013 at 5:19pm - health - by LagSwitchFTW (woman) - United Kingdom



Zach Stafford's illustrated FML

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  • Everybody's talking about Ebola at the moment. I have trouble keeping up with the latest trends. I'm going to wait until Christmas and see what special offers turn up in the shops, under funky new names…

Friday 17 October 2014

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