carlgl

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carlgl

0Fucked!

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  • Number of visits : 4900
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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50 favourites

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carlgl's favorite FMLs

Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to find my 3 year old daughter chewing on a used band-aid. FML

by sarahfromthesouth / 06/08/2010 at 12:07pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2010 at 2:17pm / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, at the pool, I tried to impress the hot lifeguard by doing the perfect dive. Afterward, I realized my shorts were floating through the water. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2010 at 8:19pm / United States / Love

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

by John doe / 04/11/2010 at 7:54am / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, I was walking down the street when I heard a loud splashing noise to my right. I looked over only to see a woman not squatting but bending over, spreading her cheeks, peeing a horse-sized amount of pee. I can't un-see this. FML

by disturbed / 03/16/2010 at 9:34pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

by Adam / 03/16/2010 at 4:51pm / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML

by pizzaface / 03/15/2010 at 7:50am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I was using my fiancé's phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for "discreet intimate relationships with women" in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML

by Teeny / 03/09/2010 at 4:13pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

by Anonymous / 03/06/2010 at 12:13pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, after celebrating my birthday yesterday, getting really drunk, I woke up naked in the bathroom at my girlfriend's house. Why did I wake up? Her father walked in. FML

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

by Celeste / 03/02/2010 at 4:14am / Singapore / Transportation

Today, I found out all the money my dad has been saving in the bank for me since birth has all been spent, by my mother who I haven't seen or talked to in about two years. FML

by Julia / 02/26/2010 at 12:04am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

by djshahso / 02/25/2010 at 7:14pm / United States / Health

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

by ks0300 / 02/24/2010 at 12:47am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was about to leave my house in my brand new heels, I stepped on a dead mouse. My heel went through it. FML

by juwkgo / 02/17/2010 at 10:05am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous