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Why am I up so early?
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calilovesneb's favorite FMLs
Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML
by Anonymous / 08/03/2012 at 4:21am / United States (California) / Kids
by HappyMan / 08/02/2012 at 10:14pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML
by danonno / 08/02/2012 at 5:08pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, as I sat down in the plane, I realized that for the next seven hours I would be sitting next to a priest who refused to stop praying aloud, and an old man who wanted to tell me the story of how the toothpick came to be. FML
by skrillexblewme / 08/02/2012 at 12:30pm / United States / Transportation
by Kelly / 08/02/2012 at 4:11am / United States (California) / Love
Today, I cleaned the toilet so vigorously that I snapped the handle of the brush. I laughed and told the rest of my family. Instead of joining in on the hilarity, my mother screamed, "We have had that toilet brush for twenty-six years!" FML
by SLAB_GIRL15 / 08/01/2012 at 3:59am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML
by Anonymous / 08/01/2012 at 1:51am / United States (Colorado) / Love
by joleezad5 / 07/31/2012 at 10:49pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was swimming with my friends at the local pool. My friend pushed me under, and as I came up for air, my hand stroked a hairy leg. It turns out I had caressed the leg of an old man who had been swimming laps. He spent the next half hour creepily smiling at me. FML
by mac_miller55 / 07/31/2012 at 12:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML
by Anonymous / 07/31/2012 at 12:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
by mcase / 07/31/2012 at 1:36am / United States (California) / Kids
by kumbuck3t15 / 07/29/2012 at 4:20pm / Mexico (Baja California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/29/2012 at 1:27am / United States (Michigan) / Love
Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML
by Anonymous / 07/29/2012 at 12:25am / Denmark (Sjelland) / Love
Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML
by clayton / 07/27/2012 at 8:30pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy
- 1Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on… 2Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he… 3Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's…
- Today, I’m on vacation in Tunisia. Having trouble with the heat at night, I tried sleeping outside… Today, I’m a bus driver in Paris. A guy got on with a sheep. I told him that you can’t take the bus… Today, I stumbled upon a slightly drunk neighbor, trying to type in the entry code with his penis.…