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abaybaynew

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abaybaynew's favorite FMLs

Today, I learned that when your mom threatens to embarrass you by singing in public, the wrong response is, "Yeah? I dare you." FML

Today, I had a dream that I was playing fetch with my dog. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to the sound of my phone smashing against the wall. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

#20982965
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50914) - you deserved it (5316)

On 12/06/2013 at 4:37pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

#20511774
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35597) - you deserved it (4005)

On 02/18/2013 at 2:44am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

#20511774
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35597) - you deserved it (4005)

On 02/18/2013 at 2:44am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML

#20170012
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20758) - you deserved it (1944)

On 11/19/2012 at 8:15pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

#20108644
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33262) - you deserved it (3455)

On 10/09/2012 at 1:53am - kids - by anonymous - United States

Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML

#20108200
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15341) - you deserved it (27182)

On 10/08/2012 at 9:51pm - kids - by ScaryBears (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

#19822134
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29369) - you deserved it (8457)

On 06/21/2012 at 1:40am - kids - by Bad Mommy - United States (California)

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

#19791702
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12122) - you deserved it (25771)

On 06/15/2012 at 10:21am - kids - by habbsrule - Canada

Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML

#19680165
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22970) - you deserved it (2264)

On 05/25/2012 at 8:15pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I found out that my little brother has been rubbing my toothbrush in dog shit for the last month because I accidentally broke one of his toys. FML

#19664729
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25066) - you deserved it (4078)

On 05/22/2012 at 9:24pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

#19486028
324 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38268) - you deserved it (3603)

On 04/17/2012 at 8:07pm - intimacy - by lindsaykay - United States

Today, my ex-husband officially became my step dad. FML

#19421919
384 comments

I agree, your life sucks (86276) - you deserved it (4249)

On 04/07/2012 at 4:20am - love - by ladylarni - Australia

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

#14753781
275 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48962) - you deserved it (3993) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 01/29/2011 at 3:09am - animals - by Anonymous - France



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