Submit your FML story
- - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Online | Search for a member
About Tthug : I like college football and dr pepper. I play Xbox. I also like numbers a lot. I hate political correctness. I like offending people for shock value quite often.
I don't like most of the politicians in DC. I don't like pictures of myself.
I was born in 1991. I have a Y chromosome. I live far south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Not in Texas anymore, although Texas is a great place.
I like guns. And fast cars. And Jesus.
Sarcasm is my love language.
I held a black widow in my hand when I was little and it didn't bite me.
Keen reader – Level: godlike ninja
You have voted for 100% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
The rules are the rules
Reading the comment rules is a really good idea. This badge is sponsored by our moderating team.
Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML
Today, my neighbor had a word with me for being "loud in the bedroom" last night. I haven't had any action for two years now, but I was too happy that she thought I'd got lucky to tell her the truth. So what was I really doing last night? Trying to sing like Christina Aguilera. FML
Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML
Today, I was grading work my students had done with a sub. I realized one student had gotten hold of the teachers' edition of the textbook when I read ten papers in a row that had "Student answers may vary" as the answer to problem number four. My students can't even cheat properly. FML
Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML
Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML
Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part-way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Go, Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML
Friday 5 February 2016