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About R3TROxLOV3 : I don't like stupid people. That's really all you need to know.
Unfortunately I was under the impression that we all understood that FML is NOT a dating service, so I removed a portion of my profile recently. I shortly discovered that not all of us are aware of FML's non-dating site status, so I'm forced to put this back: I am not here to meet the love of my life. I'm not here to look for a f**k buddy. Heck, I'm not even here looking for friends. I am here because I want to read about suckish events that happen to strangers, and occasionally comment on comments posted by other people with the same objective as me. That being said, don't tell I'm pretty, don't ask where I'm from, what my name is, or what my phone number is. In fact, don't ask me for any personal information at all. I do not like being hit on by strange men, and deciding to ignore this incredibly long winded message will only earn you my scorn.
TL;DR: If you hit on me, I will bite you - and not in the kinky way.
Editing your comments can help you avoid embarrassment, and it might make you seem smarter.
This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
Why am I up so early?
You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.
Today, at work my boss told me I have been late, under-productive, and using up a lot of sick days. He says my job is on the line. My reason for barely showing up at work: I've been on maternity leave for 6 weeks. FML
Today, I came out to my parents. They nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay. As I smiled and stood up, my dad asked, "But you're still going to marry a guy, right?" FML
Today, I was at a band concert with 500 other people. The song they were performing stopped, and I loved it so much I stood up and clapped. Everyone stared, while I slowly realized the song wasn't over. FML
Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML
Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML
Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML
Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML
Friday 19 December 2014