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About R3TROxLOV3 : I don't like stupid people. That's really all you need to know.
Unfortunately I was under the impression that we all understood that FML is NOT a dating service, so I removed a portion of my profile recently. I shortly discovered that not all of us are aware of FML's non-dating site status, so I'm forced to put this back: I am not here to meet the love of my life. I'm not here to look for a f**k buddy. Heck, I'm not even here looking for friends. I am here because I want to read about suckish events that happen to strangers, and occasionally comment on comments posted by other people with the same objective as me. That being said, don't tell I'm pretty, don't ask where I'm from, what my name is, or what my phone number is. In fact, don't ask me for any personal information at all. I do not like being hit on by strange men, and deciding to ignore this incredibly long winded message will only earn you my scorn.
TL;DR: If you hit on me, I will bite you - and not in the kinky way.
Editing your comments can help you avoid embarrassment, and it might make you seem smarter.
This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
Why am I up so early?
You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.
Today, I asked my boss for a raise, explaining that another shop offered me a job at a higher rate, but I would stay if he would offer me the same. Instead, he fired me then called the other shop and said I was fired for failing a drug test. FML
Today, I found out someone has a crush on me. Normally I'd be fine with this, if it weren't for that fact that this guy informed me that he has collected pictures of me since the third grade. I'm turning 23 in two weeks. FML
Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML
Today, I moved into my university dorm a week before classes start. Everyone kept giving me weird looks as they watched me move my stuff in. Finally, one of my dorm mates asked me if I knew that school had actually started last week. I didn't. FML
Today, I got fired from my job as a seafood manager because an entire wedding group came in and started yelling at me, saying the shrimp was horrible and I ruined their wedding. They showed me the leftovers; they never cooked them. They fed raw shrimp at a wedding dinner party. FML
Today, while arguing with my newly ex-girlfriend over how she cheated on me with a mutual friend, she tried to wash her hands of any guilt, saying that I was "selfish" and "just slut-shaming, really". FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML
Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML
Friday 26 September 2014