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Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML
Today, I was trying to replace the lightbulb in my bedroom. Since I couldn't reach it by myself, I grabbed and stood on a chair. After I got two broken bones, and had stitches in my forehead, I figured that using a chair with wheels probably wasn't the best idea after all. FML
Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML
Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML
Today, I was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her tooth brush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML
Today, after my 22 year old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML
Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML
Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML
Friday 2 October 2015