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GeniusInABottle's FML badges
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GeniusInABottle's favorite FMLs
Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML
by Anonymous / 08/11/2013 at 2:11pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health
Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd ask his dad if it was okay. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "come on, dad" and "but why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML
by (._. ) / 08/06/2013 at 4:35pm / United States (Iowa) / Love
Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML
by Anonymous / 08/06/2013 at 11:19am / United States (Arkansas) / Kids
Today, I realized that my anger problems have gotten out of hand, when I shouted "Fuck you!" at my toaster. My mood swings and loneliness have also reached a new high, evidently, as my next actions were to apologize to the appliance and then continue talking to it. FML
by Anonymous / 08/06/2013 at 2:19am / United States / Health
by Anonymous / 07/31/2013 at 12:28pm / Belgium (West-Vlaanderen) / Intimacy
by mishyb / 07/28/2013 at 12:28am / United States (Colorado) / Animals
Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML
by i suck, this i know :( / 07/26/2013 at 6:11pm / Malawi (Blantyre) / Love
Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML
by trailertrashyanditsucks / 07/26/2013 at 3:55pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML
by peniswoman / 07/14/2013 at 1:03pm / United Kingdom (Renfrewshire) / Intimacy
Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML
by speechless / 07/13/2013 at 10:32am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
Today, I received a text from my dad, which was borderline-incomprehensible due to an insane amount of text language. I replied, jokingly asked if he had a stroke while writing it. A few seconds after hitting send, I remembered the stroke he suffered last month. FML
by hellbound / 07/12/2013 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/12/2013 at 1:24am / United States (Maine) / Transportation
by Erica / 07/08/2013 at 1:27pm / United States (California) / Love
by nosestealer / 07/07/2013 at 5:57pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
by SpiderFather / 07/02/2013 at 4:01am / France / Kids