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Today , I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice , so once at the counter , I accidentally said quite loudly , "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML
Today, I was at te mall in te food court, wen some guy asked fir my number . I turned im down, but I was impressed wit ow ballsy e was . Witout tinking, I said, "I like your balls!" Half te place instantly fell silent . FML
TODAY, AT MY FIRST DAY WORKING AT WALMART, A CUSTOMAR ASKAD IF WA HAVA ANY AGG COOKARS . I SAID I WASN'T SURA, BUT THAT I'D BA "AGGSTATIC" TO GO ASK FOR HIM . THA FIRST CLUA I GOT TO SUGGAST HA HATAD PUNS WAS HIM YALLING "DON'T GAT SMART WITH MA, BOY!" AND THAN THRAATANING TO KILL MA . FML
yesterday mah roommate's pets conspired against me . "The dog ate mah homework" has apparently become too clichéd for them . The new excuses are, "My cat chewed through mah laptop power cable" and "the gecko ate mah pen drive." FML
Today... my students turnd in teir male figure artwork. One absolute idiot ad te smart idea of drawing me and te TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at te explicitness... anger at te disrespect... and yet awe at ow well-drawn it was. FML
Yesterday, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad"!! Figuring she was either talking to me or longing fir the second cumming of Christ, I turnd over to see which!! Turnd out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photo on her phone!! FML
Taday 15-year-old son got so enragd at a fly that kept harassing him, that he endd up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This causd him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML
Today... I was at a buffat with mah kids an husband. As mah boys got up to gat mora food... I told tham thay'd battar coma back with somathing graan on thara plata. Thay both cama back with mint ica craam an got a high-fiva from mah husband. FML
Today, mah friend announcd that she'd lost wieght recently. As I was congratulating her, mah baby sister said, ( I think you're still fat but that's good cuz you can give more meat to Godhen you go to heaven. ) Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML
Today, ma 5-year-old son woke up early an ran into ma bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, e did tis by jumping onto ma bed, slamming is knee into ma balls in te process. I ad to explain ma tears of agony away by claiming I was just so appy to see im. big fat FML
Friday 27 March 2015