Your everyday life stories

PissNTra - 19/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

42 925

5 281

Tom - 07/11/2008 12:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I crawled into bed at 2 in the morning. At 6 am, the telephone rang, waking me up. It was a wrong number. FML

42 920

13 362

It's not what you think

lifedoessuck12 - 19/07/2009 14:13 - Philippines

Today, I had to wait outside Starbucks. While standing, I started daydreaming and didn't notice I had been staring at a table beside the window for a long time. Suddenly, someone came up to me and said, "Try not to be so obvious." Sitting at the table was a girl with a huge cleavage. FML

42 920

11 794

Tweety - 09/04/2011 11:40 - United States

Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML

42 920

8 520

Math major

idiots - - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I had to explain to a customer that 50% off a $50 item did not make the item free. FML

42 917

2 842

ApparentDrugAddict - 08/08/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, at dinner, I accidentally let it slip that I'd taken a small sip of alcohol a few years ago and hated it. My extremely strict parents are now trying to get me into rehab. FML

42 915

7 339

Awkwaaaaaaard

Zoe Avila - 09/08/2011 22:55 - United States

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

42 915

9 097

Ania - 15/10/2011 05:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

42 914

3 648

Anonymous - 12/03/2014 03:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

42 914

6 131

isuckatlyfe - 20/09/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was excited to see my ex-girlfriend. We had broken up while I was in Iraq and I wanted to try to get her back. I spent my first day back looking for a place to live while her and her new boyfriend got it on as I slept. I had chosen that apartment for us and paid for that bed. FML

42 914

5 830

Confused - 15/09/2009 09:58 - United States

Today, I told my mother that I'm pregnant. She went off screaming at me about how I shouldn't be having sex. I am 25 and have been happily married for 3 years. FML

42 910

2 449

Asshat

need an appendickectomy - 17/03/2013 20:12 - Finland

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me for months. It all started while I was in the hospital, he says, because we were supposed to go out that day, but then I "had to go and get sick." He blames my emergency surgery for his infidelity. FML

42 909

3 201

ihatedogs - 22/06/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my brother came down to my house, bringing his untrained puppies with him. As we were eating dinner, I dropped part of my sandwich in a liquid that was on the tablecloth. Thinking it was water, I ate it. As I chewed, I realized the liquid wasn't water. My sandwich was dipped in dog urine. FML

42 909

19 922

annabellebyebye - 16/08/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I bought a kitten. I've wanted a cat for years and decided to finally buy one now that I have my own apartment. It turns out I'm allergic to cats. FML

42 909

10 084

I'll just hang out I guess

jailbirdlove - 11/10/2010 01:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

42 909

4 328

Badaboom - 23/05/2011 10:54 - Netherlands

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

42 907

6 354

David3000 - 24/01/2009 07:15 - Australia

Today, I finally finished my 500 page manuscript and so went out to buy some paper to print it off. I get back home and find out my dad has infected my computer with a virus and the only way to save it was to wipe the hard drive, which he did. That script took me a year and I have no backup. FML

42 905

27 927

legotron - 30/10/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I was hit by a car speeding through an intersection after the light had already turned red. Still partly blacked out, I crawled onto the sidewalk and I sat down. The woman rolled down her car window and yelled, "Watch where you're going!" as she drove by. FML

42 904

2 561

Jamesfmled - 13/09/2014 14:01

Today, my girlfriend texted me saying, "I have some Durex and want your help" so I rushed to her house. She had meant to say "Dulux". I had to help her paint her bedroom. FML

42 904

13 202

Jamesfmled

Jamesfmled 14

Saturday 13 September 2014 23:01

I wasn't just after the sex. We're just both very busy so when we get opportunities we make the most of them. And normally she tells me if we can't.

Thanks dad

Anonymous - 19/09/2013 17:32 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. My dad was having a bad day and was rude from the outset, but things went to total hell when he started screaming that he'd "kill" our microwave if it didn't "shut the hell up". My girlfriend now thinks we're a family of abusive psychos. FML

42 903

3 331

Wrong end of the stick

Matt - 03/06/2012 14:21 - Australia - Tyabb

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

42 902

3 863

Anonymous - 16/10/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I came home to my empty apartment. My girlfriend had left a note on the floor that said: "Took my stuff and left. Took your stuff and pawned it." FML

42 902

5 298

amythest - 13/02/2012 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

42 900

3 156

Liv - 29/10/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

42 899

2 806

You OK dude?

Casper - - United States

Today, a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick because I looked really pale. I told her that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted, "No, that can't be normal." FML

42 896

2 966

DMitch - 15/05/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML

42 895

14 460

d0pey - 20/02/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML

42 894

3 457

Cacahuete - 28/12/2013 14:46 - France - Villejuif

Today, a DJ friend of mine offered me a part in one of his tracks. I was flattered, and accepted. All I ended up singing was, "I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch" over and over again in the background. FML

42 893

7 376

Roommates from hell

HGTV - 01/10/2013 18:43 - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

42 889

4 120

katsaysner - 17/10/2014 17:56 - United States - Unity

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

42 888

4 719

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I found out that my tax filing status was never changed after my divorce. This means I haven't been paying enough and now the government wants its money. FML

21 537

4 304

Today, I was using Veet instead of shaving, so that the razor wouldn't cut up my legs. I cut myself with the plastic utensil that you're supposed to use to remove the Veet. FML

17 411

25 206

Today, I went on my first ever assisted skydive. I fainted after we jumped, and only came to as we touched the ground. FML

49 701

6 738

Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML

45 726

4 746

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years. I came home and when my dad asked what was wrong, I told him. His first reaction was, "Well damn it. Who'll go fishing with me now?" FML

29 053

2 843

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend for a walk. It's our anniversary, and I hadn't seen him in over a month because of the quarantine, so we agreed to meet, as long as we had the proper safety gear and were careful. On my way to meet him, I drove past a park. In it were twelve half-naked teenagers playing volleyball. FML

1 485

408