App

FMyLife

search






FMyLife FMyLife
search
​



    : 320



    lamortdeshommes - 28/06/2011 17:03 - United States

    Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML
    42 974
    8 315
      

    Oops - 26/09/2011 15:35 - United Kingdom

    Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML
    42 974
    7 848
      

    Anonymous - 27/11/2013 02:39 - United States - Bakersfield

    Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML
    42 974
    4 789
      

    Tiff676 - 16/08/2009 04:31 - Canada

    Today, I was working at the theater as an Usher. A man comes up to me and gives me his ticket. At the same time, he takes a sip of water and suddenly felt the need to sneeze. The water came out from his nose and landed all over my face. I was covered with his mucus and had to wish him a good movie. FML
    42 973
    2 677
      

    yobruh - 17/05/2011 04:54

    Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
    42 971
    11 263
      

    ADHD brain

    Unknown - 18/10/2011 04:50 - United States

    Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple of seconds later and played video games instead. FML
    42 970
    6 412
      

    Anonymous - 27/09/2013 19:08 - Norway - Ytre Arna

    Today, I came home to find my parents wearing Santa hats and blasting Christmas music at full volume. So begins three months of hell. FML
    42 969
    4 435
      

    heycutie - 15/04/2014 04:24 - United States - Grand Rapids

    Today, while I was waiting for the bus, I was whistling. I saw a cute girl running and I looked at my phone so it didn't seem too awkward. I was still whistling as she passed by so it sounded like I whistled at her. She ran back to slap me. FML
    42 969
    7 283
      

    Real estate

    John - 20/07/2011 16:38 - United States

    Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML
    42 966
    12 225
      

    Grad2010 - 18/11/2009 19:41 - United States

    Today, I found out I will not be getting my class ring. The jeweler has a policy against doing engravings that contain "obscene or offensive language or phrases". What obscene phrase did I want? My initials and year. W.T.F. 2010. FML
    42 965
    3 161
      

    Username - 03/02/2011 04:46

    Today, I accidentally drank my sister's science project. Her science project consisted of taking a glass of orange juice and putting maggots in it to see if they would live. I thought it was just pulp. FML
    42 962
    24 931
      

    gnafron - 31/12/2013 11:30 - France - Grenoble

    Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML
    42 960
    14 987
      

    ohwell - 24/11/2014 13:44 - Sweden - Tullinge

    Today, I met my best friend's girlfriend for the first time. After a few hours of talking and eating, she followed me to the bathroom and said, dead serious, ''If you ever touch him or get too close to him, I will cut you''. I've known him for twelve years, they have been dating for a month. FML
    42 959
    3 310
      

    Adopt, don't shop

    catcraze - 20/05/2013 23:23 - United States - Denver

    Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML
    42 957
    6 745
      

    Anonymous - 03/10/2012 04:25 - Canada - Winnipeg

    Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML
    42 955
    6 518
      

    Missy - 09/09/2009 20:16 - United States

    Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML
    42 955
    4 627
      

    Medication shutdown

    Anonymous - 29/09/2011 09:46 - United States

    Today, I realized that due to my anti-depressants, I can no longer orgasm. At. All. Which depresses me more. FML
    42 953
    4 963
      

    shoopbadeewoop - 08/03/2014 21:43

    Today, it was snowing. After answering a call, I put my phone into my jacket pocket, and hurried across the road. I quickly realised my phone hadn't slipped into my pocket after all, and I turned around in time to see a snowplow go by. I couldn't find my phone in the snowdrifts. FML
    42 952
    6 241
      

    quickfingers100 - 22/07/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

    Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML
    42 952
    10 735
      

    Demon

    Spooked - - United States

    Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML
    42 948
    7 281
      

    mperh - 28/05/2011 12:46 - United States

    Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML
    42 946
    3 251
      

    The blame game

    unemployed - 20/04/2013 00:16 - El Salvador - San Salvador

    Today, my boss made me give a presentation to several senior company officials about the serious financial losses our division has made this year. Barely an hour later, my boss had palmed all the blame off onto me and gotten me fired. FML
    42 946
    3 397
      

    wheezy - 03/12/2013 17:28 - United States - Bay Springs

    Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML
    42 945
    4 231
      

    Anonymous - 14/02/2011 17:15 - Belgium

    Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML
    42 939
    4 905
      

    superfkd - 15/03/2009 02:27 - Canada

    Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML
    42 937
    70 285
      

    TheFatOne - 31/08/2014 19:27 - United States

    Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML
    42 933
    5 568
      

    Anonymous - 24/02/2013 01:47 - United States - Gonzales

    Today, my boyfriend kicked me out and threatened to get a restraining order after I called him an asshole. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and over 1,000 miles away from my parents' house. FML
    42 932
    9 208
      

    Never gets old

    Anonymous - 26/07/2013 03:15 - United States - Kannapolis

    Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML
    42 931
    20 631
      

    Anonymous - 10/12/2013 07:38 - United States - Pleasanton

    Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML
    42 928
    6 322
      

    Doggy dog world

    HereKittyKitty - 01/12/2013 20:27 - United States - Carlsbad

    Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML
    42 925
    2 891
      
    • 300
    • 301
    • 302
    • 303
    • 304
    • 305
    • 306
    • 307
    • 308
    • 309

    Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home
    FMyLife FMyLife
    FMyLife FMyLife
    Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML
    41 135
    4 063
    Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML
    2 017
    170
    Today, to punish my wife for disrespecting me in front of my friends, I told her I wasn't going to help with the baby tonight. When I woke up, she and my baby were gone with nothing more than a text saying she was speaking to a divorce lawyer. Over one night. FML
    148
    1 562
    Today, I bought variety condoms. I chose one called "Endurance" thinking it would be extra strong, put it on him, and gave it a suck. I realised my mistake when my lips and mouth went numb. It has benzocaine on to delay him. I still can't feel my mouth. FML
    3 269
    3 963
    Today, while working at my job at a nursing home, I slipped and fell. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just water. No, one of the residents had just had an "accident". FML
    46 776
    3 839
    Today, I took my car through the automated wash. I was too close to swipe my card, so the attendant reached for it and somewhere between our hands, the card fell into the grate and down a small crack 10ft into nasty water. The whole car wash was shut down to pull the massive grate up. It took about 2 hours. FML
    1 116
    163

    © VDM SAS,

    ​