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Sexed to death

By Anonymous - 06/05/2022 12:00

Today, I just got home from the police station where I had to explain that the guy I drunkenly hooked up with last night died in the middle of sex from a brain aneurysm. He had no wallet or anything, just car keys, so all I could tell the cops was his first name, that’s it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 361

Relax

By lyssthemiss - 22/09/2015 10:51 - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 812

You deserved it 2 332

By Anonymous - 08/06/2017 12:06 - Australia

Today, I was walking down the train station steps, in no rush, as my train wasn't due to depart for another 10 minutes. I managed to trip down the last 5 steps and break my ankle. Oh, and I got to watch my train drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 542

You deserved it 350

Annalivliv tells us more.

Annalivliv 8

Friday 9 June 2017 15:32

So I tried to follow this up before but my comment wasn't posted properly. OP here. Turns out I broke my ankle in 3 different places and tore some ligaments. However, I figure it could be much worse. I'm just happy I could finally get something published. The banter in the comments isn't bad either.

By myrkes - 10/09/2015 11:09 - Switzerland - Marstetten

Today, it's the day before my friends' wedding. My dress has not yet been shipped from the online shop where I ordered it three weeks ago, the hand-crafted gift that was ordered last month is trapped at customs and my cats have just managed to open the drawer and eat the wedding card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 183

You deserved it 3 050

Close to you

By Angel - 25/10/2016 20:54

Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 927

You deserved it 2 734

By embaressed - 20/09/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 485

You deserved it 2 927

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 06:33 - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 661

You deserved it 79 955

By Anonymous - 15/05/2012 03:52 - United States

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 956

You deserved it 2 930

By myanmarkaviar - 27/08/2015 16:34 - Norway - Fl?

Today, at work, I served a customer who looked so much like my grandma that I thought it actually was her. Then I remembered she died 6 months ago. I had to serve customers with a smile on my face while choking back tears for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 892

You deserved it 2 207

By CoolGuy69 - 12/09/2016 11:53 - Sweden - Mölnlycke

Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 095

You deserved it 1 879

Do Not Pass Go

By Rex - 16/09/2017 23:15 - United States - Camden

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 682

You deserved it 352

By anon - 03/09/2017 21:45 - Belgium - Aarschot

Today, after an exhausting renovation, we finally took some time to cook a nice dinner. We got to relax for a full hour before our downstairs neighbour informed us that any water we use leaks through her ceiling. Four experts came. No one can find the leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 371

You deserved it 236

Waste

By JellyBite - 01/09/2019 06:00 - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to take a nap. When I asked him why he wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, he said, "To make time go by faster." He's leaving in 9 days. We're going to be 3,000 miles apart. For a long time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 747

You deserved it 267

You what mate?

By Zekrome - 05/05/2014 07:53 - Canada - Markham

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 518

You deserved it 24 080

Instructions

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "What do I do now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 143 683

You deserved it 16 465

Get out

By Lennyr - 28/08/2016 06:36 - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my firstborn child. Somehow, my mom and mother-in-law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother-in-law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 599

You deserved it 1 107

Secret Weeb

By chickennbenchpress - 31/05/2011 17:05 - Canada

Today, I was on my third date with a really hot girl. A guy walked by singing the Pokémon theme song. She started making fun of the guy, mocking his immaturity. I joined in, in order to keep the conversation going. Everything was going great but then my phone rang. It's the Pokémon theme song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 076

You deserved it 81 635

By emayc - 22/11/2017 06:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from an overnight trip to find my room a complete mess. My coked up housemate had invited strangers to stay over when they told her they didn't have place to sleep. They stole my money, speakers, Polaroid camera, and passport. They left a packet of biscuits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 691

You deserved it 398

By Tank - 16/07/2016 23:14 - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together, I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 685

You deserved it 780

It's the new thing!

By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 06:02

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 434

You deserved it 1 046

By purrfect :/ - 07/07/2016 22:34

Today, my future husband presented me with an engagement ring he had had engraved with the pet name he calls his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 439

You deserved it 1 077

Revenge!

By princess98 - 18/11/2019 05:00

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to take a shower, because he smelt awful and wanted to cuddle. After 45 minutes, he did so. I wanted to cuddle and fool around after he was done. I got rejected because he didn't want to get dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 200

You deserved it 819

Who knows?

By Anonymous - 08/02/2014 18:49 - United States

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 808

You deserved it 11 089

Winner

By Anonymous - 09/01/2020 18:00

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 143

You deserved it 1 035

Boundaries

By Sfg_926 - 26/06/2016 05:02 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying, "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 947

You deserved it 3 619

By Purplexus - 02/01/2014 14:13 - Turkey - Ankara

Today, I watched my father attempt to light a cigar with the stove and end up burning off some hair and eyebrows. He tried to play it cool, said, "Haircuts are too expensive these days anyway." and walked out, his head smoking. This man is a college professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 369

You deserved it 5 385

Purplexus tells us more.

Purplexus 14

Thursday 2 January 2014 19:01

Yes, this was my FML. Yeah, my dad is an awesome professor. Does anyone have any questions haha

Noise complaint

By no sleep for me - 08/01/2013 07:44

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 424

You deserved it 5 740

No kinkshaming, but come on…

By esb - 13/08/2009 15:23 - Canada

Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "Eat it, eat it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 024

You deserved it 8 365

By ELK - 18/07/2018 15:00

Today, having played golf for 15 years, I had my first hole in one. I was playing by myself. There were no witnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 949

You deserved it 392

Beat it

By Morrowindwhore - 10/08/2009 22:22 - United Kingdom

Today, a friend of mine was talking about how he'd spent over 30 hours on Call of Duty. I piped up and said "Oh yeah! Well I've spent well over 300 hours on Morrowind! Beat that!" To which he replied, "I've had sex. Beat that!" I couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 955

You deserved it 68 077

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The Top

Today, I was making wedding plans with my fiancé. His mother kept complaining about everything, and insisted it was pointless to plan because it's just our "first marriage." She then tried to convince him to dump me and move back in with her because "she's all he'll ever need." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 247

You deserved it 2 534

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend who I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I find out that last time he saw me, I was blind drunk and vomiting after propositioning him all evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 970

You deserved it 31 247

Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 870

You deserved it 3 334

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 725

You deserved it 4 322

Today, my mother-in-law screamed at the top of her lungs in front of our friends and family that I was stealing her baby away from her. I'd only suggested we go home because he had a migraine. Her baby is 24 years-old and has been married to me for a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 596

You deserved it 291

Today, I was menaced by a shirtless crackhead with an aluminum bat for, "parking in the wrong parking lot" - not parking spot, parking LOT - while delivering pizza to one of many nearby apartment buildings. I'm not allowed to carry a weapon to defend myself, unless I wanna shell out $75 for a Mag flashlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 406

You deserved it 136