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Get it on

By SharkWeek - 27/10/2013 15:26 - United States - Wrightsville

Spicy

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 831

You deserved it 5 840

By alwaysxgettingxshitxon - 03/07/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 251

You deserved it 2 953

By Anonymous - 13/07/2013 21:39 - United States - Salinas

Today, my girlfriend of over four years cheated on me in revenge for me abandoning our date last night. I'm a surgeon on call at the local hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 870

You deserved it 4 173

By maarkblack - 22/05/2013 14:51 - United States

Today, I awoke from a dream that I'd found an Arco gas station that had regular gas for $3.38. I actually went looking for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 252

You deserved it 10 843

By bman - 07/04/2012 06:41 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 972

You deserved it 50 296

Fake it til you make it

By Anonymous - 07/08/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, while driving, I made a fake phone call with my fake boyfriend, making him sound amazing to my friends who were in the car with me. Until the red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind us. My fake boyfriend cost me $160 in real fines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 975

You deserved it 66 660

By Anonymous - 03/03/2010 21:40 - United States

Today, I was upset that my boyfriend hasn't called in a while. Turns out, my step-mother blocked his number so he can't call. She never told me and, instead, just let me think he hated me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 254

You deserved it 2 533

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 20:13 - Belgium

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 545

You deserved it 6 856

By ish0rty - 14/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my social awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 064

You deserved it 5 004

By errrmkl46 - 02/12/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 632

You deserved it 3 998

By … - 28/06/2012 14:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, after three months of them dating, I finally met the guy my best friend claims she's in love with. To my horror, she's dating the douchebag that I had a one-night stand with a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 497

You deserved it 6 989

Emergency

By BigMouth McRedface - 14/05/2010 02:11 - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 830

You deserved it 33 975

Time waster

By le_evan - 29/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I had sex with this guy I had been crushing on for five years. It took longer to put my clothes back on than he lasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 509

You deserved it 6 709

By Anonymous - 25/06/2013 17:16 - United States - Surprise

Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 204

You deserved it 4 308

By Anonymous - 03/12/2013 14:04 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found out that if you accidentally step on your boss's dog's tail, yes, you can get fired. But not because you stepped on the dog's tail. You didn't say sorry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 309

You deserved it 42 417

Ewwwwwww

By Anonymous - 23/02/2015 17:56 - United States

Today, I'm sick with a stomach flu. For the last 5 hours, I've been going back and forth from the couch to the bathroom. Each time I get into the bathroom, I have to make a choice of whether to sit on the toilet or kneel by it. Each time I have to clean up the other mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 674

You deserved it 5 947

By mackenzie_cain - 14/01/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 445

You deserved it 65 715

DMV blues

By driver - 06/01/2010 14:55 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently, according to the state of Illinois, I'm dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 575

You deserved it 2 824

By toothache - 14/05/2013 12:03 - United States - Morton Grove

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 414

You deserved it 4 403

By Angus - 17/09/2015 19:48 - France

Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 068

You deserved it 2 680

By like - 14/03/2009 05:50 - United States

Today, I decided it would be pretty amusing to press the "Like" button on everyone's status on Facebook without reading them just to get on peoples' nerves. After re-reading them later, I found out one of them said "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH GRANDMOM. RIP". I liked that her grandmother died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 665

You deserved it 200 249

Not a geography major

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 22:45 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 383

You deserved it 10 943

By Insomniac - 28/07/2012 09:56 - United States - Wasilla

Today, after rolling my car on the highway, I witnessed several people stop and get out of their cars to take pictures. No one asked if I was okay, and I was the one who had to call 911 for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 651

You deserved it 2 473

By butterball - 18/07/2012 14:41 - Israel - Palmahim

Today, a male co-worker asked me in what shape I shave my pubic hair. Jokingly, I replied that I have a very nicely trimmed dodecahedron. Now he's telling everyone at work that I have a venereal disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 170

You deserved it 6 586

By Anonymous - 17/08/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 349

You deserved it 3 853

By salmone - 16/05/2014 01:03 - Australia - Spotswood

Spicy

Today, one of my year 9 students finished the test an hour early. He decided to spend the time by "stealthily" whacking off. His entire desk was shaking in a silent room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 611

You deserved it 6 209

salmone_fml tells us more.

salmone_fml 3

Saturday 17 May 2014 1:43

Follow Up: it is a national test, so he couldn't go to the bathroom, and I couldn't disrupt the test by speaking. I stood nearby and cleared my throat loudly, that seemed to work, and he emerged from his jumper (sweater) fairly quickly. I would say given that all he wrote on the test was his name, he probably did not do very well. Finally, there are some very nasty, judgemental people on here. Perhaps you should try to live a little more kindly and gently.

Gammy got game

By moetplease - 03/05/2012 16:32 - Singapore

Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 784

You deserved it 3 821

By imamomma - 20/12/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 235

You deserved it 26 928

By Anonymous - 13/10/2008 08:25

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 299

You deserved it 278

By lexyloo - 26/09/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend preferred to delete his account than admit we are in a relationship on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 567

You deserved it 5 788

FML on Facebook

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 462

You deserved it 33 944

Today, my friend got drunk. We tried to get him into a cab, he punched me in the face, three chavs then accosted me, accusing me of trying to mug him. I was then beaten up by said chavs and then the police charged me for being drunk and disorderly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 329

You deserved it 3 470

Today, I rushed home after my mom called saying our upstairs had flooded. Apparently, my little brother somehow broke the toilet while unsupervised and water overflowed everywhere. It even reached my closet, shoes, and books, and everything touching my floor in my room is now wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 849

You deserved it 148

Today, I lost my diary. The diary in which I write all my appointments/chores/grocery lists, etc. It includes "Wash last week's underwear", "Batteries for vibrator" and "Diarrhea meds". I'm 99% sure I lost it in one of my classes. I'm dreading going to college tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 200

You deserved it 431

Today, I saw my middle school best friend and former girlfriend for the first time in two years. They were making out in our new high school’s library. Two years ago, he said she was a skank, and she said he was a creep, before never speaking to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 78

Today, my second-grade daughter asked her teacher how much money she makes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 282

You deserved it 212