Today, I was cleaning out my bedside table when I came across some condoms I bought on my 18th birthday, to use the first time I had sex. They expired five years ago. I'm still waiting for my first time. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML
Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML
Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML
Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a blocked bowel. It was so bad, feces were entering into her stomach. While leaning down to talk with her, she threw up. I was both vomited and defecated on at the same time. FML
Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room, he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me, I spread my legs to help out. He then looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML
Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML
Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML
Today, I saw myself in a 'girls gone wild' ad with another girl. So did my mom. FML
Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read, "You can pick your stuff up in the morning." FML
Today, my older brother told me that no matter how fast you run at automatic sliding doors, they'll open in time. So I ran at a pair. They don't. FML
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