lively12

Today, my girlfriend caught me picking my nose and eating the booger. FML

Cool prank bro

Today, I have been getting calls from a weird kid from my school asking for nudes. I asked how he got my number, then found out that my friends put my number on a pole at school that says, "Call Wendy for a good time, she has nice tits." FML

Get over it

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

Way too public

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

Teaching moment

Today, I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were three girls loudly discussing blowjob techniques. I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. His reply was, "Pay attention. You might learn something." FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

Today, I received a call from my future sister in-law, telling me that she and her future husband had decided to hold their wedding ceremony on my birthday. I was told not to celebrate my birthday, as it would "take away the attention to the true meaning of the day." FML