Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML
Today, my water wouldn't go down my shower drain. Confused, I stuck a metal stick expecting hair, but instead stabbed and pulled up a rat that was dead in my drain. FML
Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML
Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML
Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML
Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML
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