los angeles, california 29 years-old
Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML
Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML
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