LloydLover69

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

What have you been up to?

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

Today, my boyfriend of over a year looked at me and said, "Sometimes I just want to hit you." FML

Today, a creepy old guy on the bus asked me if I wanted to "lick it." When I said no, he tried to convince me by telling me that "it tastes good." FML

Unwelcome

Today, my boyfriend told me that I can no longer sleep over at his house because his cat doesn't like it. FML